someday I hope it gets easier

I remember the day, clearer than most memories tucked away, that I got the phone call. I was on the 57 driving to Stephanies for a summer BBQ...I had seen some phone calls come through, but decided not to answer them. But when one came from my uncle and moments later, one came from my brother, I knew something was up.

The pain crushed me...I almost wrecked the truck as I gasped for breath. Jason had to reach over and steer us off the freeway. Immediately I felt like I was somewhere else...drowning...I couldn't catch my breath...something was crushing me.

It didn't make sense. None of it. How can you describe knowing that someday you knew you'd get that phone call...but then finding yourself in total disbelief when it actually happens?

My dad was the kind of man who could walk into a room and walk out ten minutes later knowing the names and life stories of every person in the room. And remember them for the rest of his life. I can't recall the number of times he would ask about a high school friend or girl from my swim team. Or ask me if I remembered so and so...cause he ran into them the other day.
What kills me the most is knowing the time he missed with the kids...and how they still ask about him...knowing he never got to meet Lola...or teach her any dirty jokes. Knowing that my life continues in all its ups and downs, and he's not here to go through it with me.

One of my best friends dad passed away over the weekend. My neighbors Dad passed last week. A mother I have connected with on Carepages lost her father last week.

I've been thrown into a world of grief for their pain and a world of revisiting my own grief.

I want to tell them it will get easier...that the pain will go away. And I guess I wouldn't be lying if I said those things....not completely. It does get easier and some of the pain eventually does go away. But then there are those moments....where that crushing pain comes back and you find yourself gasping for breath...and I doubt those will ever go away completely.

some fun lola videos

These videos were taken of Lola at Thanksgiving...the first is her incredible new ability to put toys IN something!! What a big girl!!!







The second...Lola LOVES her cousin Lucy and misses her very much...we all do!!! love you jj, heather and lucy!!!

Please Join Us!!!

(reposted from Lola's Carepage)

Jason and I spent the weekend processing and looking up as much information as we could about what the doctors have told us about Lola. We hope to hear more information soon to help ease our minds.

We have had so many people...family, friends and complete strangers, pray for Lola. For answers...for healing...for strength. And we know that it is because of those prayers, she continues to grow stronger and we get closer and closer each day to answers. We also know prayers come in many forms...knelt bedside, a glance upward or even just a good thought. We are truly blessed to have the support group we have and hope some day we can pay it all back.

This past Sunday, Jason and I and the kids had the chance to attend a Farewell Service for a young man who is leaving on a church mission. It's been a while since we've been to church, yet I'm pretty sure the speaker knew we were coming and directed the entire service towards us. We both teared up as a man spoke of Jesus healing the sick children and what it would be like to have that in our lives now.

We've been thinking a lot and knowing the hard path that is headed our way...we have decided to organize a Fast in honor of Lola. This coming Sunday, December 21st, anyone who wants to join us is welcome! Don't be scared!! We would love to have anyone who is willing to miss a meal or the entire day's meals or send a good thought Lola's way! Please join us as we lift our voices and pray for a miracle and healing for our Lola.

Thank you again to everyone who has done so much for our family. I have no words to even describe the gratitude I feel for all those who have sacrificed for us and have sent us love and kind words. I could never in a million years have imagined we would be on the journey we are one...and know that when we need it most...we are often carried.

Lola's Momma and Daddy, Rachel and Jason

all the little checks on my to-do list

so...it's without pics...cause of course my mind was in total WORK mode...but last night was a great night for me. I accomplished everything I set out to acclomplish. I would have love to be able to do more...but I set realistic goals and man...did it feel good when my eyes finally allowed themselves to close at 100 am, to know it was done.

In the morning I put in a roast. This is quite the feat in the morning as normally anything other than a numby shower, slapping some eye make-up on and smoothing my ridiculous hair (sorry you inherited that lola!)...there isn't much more I can accomplish. Well...usually a total freak out and yelling. But that doesn't really count. I browned the meat, peeled the potatoes, seasoned, sauteed onions and put on low to simmer all day. Fabulous.

At night...I accomplished another new for me. I have the honor of being invited to my friend Mona's cookie party. The excitement alone of having a friend who invited me to her home where I would be introduced to her other friends was enough for me. But then the fear of what I was going to bring, took over. Now, I can cook. I can make a mean Eggplant Parmesan and Maple Ginger Salmon...but BAKING?! Umm...shit. So Ma Smith helped me locate a fabulous recipe originally prepared by my very own Aunt Janet and away I went. And I must say...I don't think I did half bad. But we'll have to see after tonites festivities.

I also cleaned the kitchen, the house, wrote Christmas cards, updated Lola's page, walked Eris (which by the way was insanely gorgeous! the glowing sky and christmas lights...too much!). I played with Lola, helped Kindred with a project.

It was a good night.

bathroom update

I had decided our bathroom needed to be an obnoxious color...BLUE. But in order to get it the perfect blue without making the room look dark and cramped...I had to paint the ceiling and trim the brightest white possible. Which ended up being very cool cause I got to use my new favorite thing in the world...this Eco-friendly paint. I LOVE IT!!! No smell or toxins being leaked into our house. I can't wait to do the rest of the house with it. The colors are a bit more muted...but that seems to be exactly what I want.

I had to also primer the bathroom walls first...so much fun.






The first color I attempted...it made me want to run screaming...it was HORRIBLE!!! Luckily I only did the ENTIRE bathroom before I spent two days griping about how ugly it was. Home Depot was great, they took my paint and recolored it (for no charge!!!)

This color doesn't look too bad in the pictures, but trust me...it was frightening!

someone is a genius

Ok...so I just got an email that just might be the most genius thing I have ever seen.



As a woman who LOVES my kitchen but loathes the almighty onion...this is simply a delightful invention. Seriously....GOGGLES???!!!

I LOVE IT!!!

need a pick me up?

If you need a pick me up...you gotta check out this video...it's mind boggling ridiculous!

Life is good.

It's been awhile. I thought I had lost my ability to write. My creativity had just up and left. And then I realized I was being too hard on myself and limiting on what I could and could not write about.

So here is my disclaimer...my life is crazy. It is never the same. I'm a contradiction in everything I do. I swear...a lot. I talk about things you aren't supposed to say. I love my family. I love my friends. I love feeling and emotions and I'm done holding in the pain. Which also means I now get to Love again with the depth and intensity that makes me, ME.

Life is here to LIVE. and LIVE we must do.

I've started exploring new parts of my life that have been lying dormant for years. I'll share each of those individually. I'm not taking anything for granted and I am no longer allowing mediocrity to take over my life.

I'm a girl who has been there, done that...and now I am girl with a guy and a couple of kids.

And I love it.

Learning to redo a bathroom

We decided to start work on our house. It needs a lot...so we thought we'd start small...a bathroom...how hard can that be. Here's the beginning of us learning to do what we have no idea how to do.

One would think we would have some idea how to buy paint, patch a hole in the wall...but nope. It's all new to us...and we are doing all this after Lola goes to bed at night. Leaving us with very little time for mistakes. Yet...somehow our weekend project has been drug into almost a month now. But whatever...it's been fun to see the beginning of something and feel the accomplishment at the end of the day as I clean out the paintbrushes.

this really is my life.

I have many families I follow on CarePages...a many of them who now follow Lola's updates. I see the hardships they are facing and their bravery and ability to take things and keep going.

I was reading an update about a girl who recieved a Bone Marrow Transplant...an insanely intense process for both the donor and the recipient. The mom was commenting on the strength of her daughter and thanking the donor for his courage. She then mentioned a list of kids to keep in your thoughts and prayers.

And it hit me. Lola's name was there.

She's part of this group of kids now. The group of kids that other families and kids look at and wonder if they are going to be ok.

And for the first time in a long time...I let the tears fall. My baby is on that list. She's there. In a group so small she will probably meet and come across these kids for the rest of her life.

Perhaps it's a defense mechanism or a way of blocking the pain...but I really haven't acknowledge or dealt with this. I've numbed myself and kept moving. I've tried to be number one, my kids mom.

But tonite...tonite I know there are arms of support around my from above letting me know in time, it's going to work out.

Go Obama

This man continues to impress me...even his ability to relate the next generation of voters.

pray for those you don't even know

As usual...today was full of the kind roller coaster that takes you from the highest high to the lowest low.

I decided to visit my local library and look for some books I have been wanting to read/purchase. Money has gotten quite tight as bills have come in and time off has been taken and I thought...what?!! the library..DUH!!! So in all of 45 minutes I had acquired my new Salt Lake County library card, allowing a vulture like myself access to, umm, 15 libraries!! I also then checked out 4 books...1 of which is for my new Facebook book club (hey...i dont have time for a meeting at someones house where I will feel ackwardly obliged to hang out much longer than I wanted) and 3 are for my newest obsession...an author I'm not quite yet ready to divulge.

I walked out with an odd kick to my step. A smile on my face. A momentum to go home and finish said books so I could return, and then, spend time sauntering the aisles and finding new reads. I was, at the very least, giddy.

Tonite, I dished dinner from the crockpot, made small talk of the day and weekend plans, had a few family members call to see where things were and how we were, played with the kids, crawled on the floor with Kindred to show Lola how people crawl, watched Lla destroy an entire shelf of DVDs, did the homework gig with kindred, wrangled with Lola while Kindred read her part of Horton Sits on an Egg, and then....after all were tucked snuggling into bed...then I logged on to CarePages.

CarePages has been my therapy with Lola. A way for me to non-commitly connect with family and friends. To allow myself to introvert and still extend my thoughts. To share stories and deeds about our angel who scared us to death and back...and now seems to have NOTHING WRONG WITH HER...oh yeah...except every doctor in town calls daily to see how she is doing. And every doctor across the country can't explain what is going on.

I have met families on CarePages...i have done searches on the simple word "anemia". I used to think of anemia as ...umm..go eat a steak. .....Now......Now it means so much more and I know more medical terms than any mother should. Now I

Matthew and his family are hurting tonite. 4 weeks ago they went through a very similiar situation as we went through with Lola and Matthews mom found me. She reached out to me asking me how I did it. Even now...I blink my eyes in unbelief and wonder what she means...I didn't "do" it...i honestly feel like I was just there.

Tonite I go to bed with red sore eyes for Matthew and his family. Their pain and the pain the are about to experience. "It's not easy" or "It'll be ok" mean nothing to his parents or to us. What makes more sense is "what? i don't get it" and "no matter what...we are HERE FOR YOU"

my heart is with them...and with the many other families i have met and who's daily progress I follow.

I only wish I could bear some of your burden.

Obama in '08

I'm finding it very hard to NOT get excited about tomorrow election results. I got all antsy pantsy and voted last week and now am just ready for this thing to be done with. I'm also pretty anxious to hear some results to several propositions around the country. Some of which I have some very strong feelings about...ones that have stirred anger and disgust towards people.

Without TV it's going to be hard to monitor Obama taking over the White House. Or the idiotic chaos that is going to commence when he does. On NPR the other day Sheriffs from all over the country were talking about how they are preparing for riots. RIOTS? Oh hell...if that happens...this will be one of the ONLY times I am against helping out the less fortunate. You want to destroy your neighborhood...yeah...live with it. We have more important things to spend our money on...like schools and health reform.

Having the recent experiences we've had...I now know more than ever how much work is needed in the Health care field. I am dealing now with a lack of funding in a certain field, therefore my daughter can't be diagnosed and we get to continue to pay up the wazoo as they send us to every doctor known to Salt Lake City in hopes someone will find something. And we are fully covered...and we are still on the brink of bankruptcy if this gets much worse. FULL COVERAGE. I hear from families almost every day who have had to walk away from homes, cars, jobs and health insurance because of situations just like ours.

And all the while...here I am complaining and there is so much that can be done. So if you haven't...go out and VOTE tomorrow. To miss voting in this election would be a sad sad thing.

how much does a housekeeper cost?

I just spent the entire weekend...alone. Jason was gone for work, a very uncommon and untimely situation, but a good sign he was invited. Kindred had decided his friends house was way cooler than ours and spent the entire weekend there.

In years or months past this would have given me the exact thing I have been dying for. A chance to clean and organize and unpack and discover and GET 'ER DONE. This time, it gave me more time than any half-crazed woman should have alone. Not only did I not clean or unpack or organize...I sat numbly watching Lola destroy the house. It didn't even really occur to me that cleaning was something I should have done until my mom asked if she should come down so I wasn't alone. UMM...NO. I freaked as my eyes instantly flashed open and saw the disasture zone created around me.

Oh well...Lola had fun. She tore through more magazines than a coupon clipper. She found every nook and cranny of our newly purchased home. And then when that was done, she felt so sick and achy from her flu shot, all she wanted to do was snuggle and sleep. Naturally I fell right into her trap and there I laid as well.

I did get up at some point and push some piles around to make things look better. I'd love to find the focus to actually put things together. To fix the list of things that need fixed. Or even just have some motivation.

But for now...I'll settle for a cocktail and some good conversation with my newly arrived husband.

what would fall taste like?

I am fighting hard the growing urge to throw caution to the wind and take Lola out into the fall that has me intoxicated. I love fall. Not in a silly, “oh it’s nice but it leads to snow and I hate snow” kind of way…but in the “I want to be outside and never go back inside until spring comes and then I want galoshes and have never had galoshes but I’d much much rather rake leaves and jump in them and wear sweaters and scarves for the rest of my life and drink hot cider on the porch where the chill sets into your skin and I want to snuggle into an afghan crocheted by my grandmother or sister in law and day dream the day away” kind of way.

I want Lola to see fall in Utah. I want to take her to a pumpkin patch and let her crawl over pumpkins and take her picture as she explores the wonders of all that is orange. I want to take her for a drive through the mountains and get out and gather leaves and let her crunch them in her now showing signs of chubbiness hands and then try to shove them in her mouth just to see what Fall tastes like. I want to drag her around the block in her new Red Flyer wagon and watch her face light up and lift to feel the breeze brush past her cheeks. I want to buy her expensive hand knitted sweaters and bundle her up for walks in the park.

I want to share a part of me with her…a love for seasons and color and cool weather designed for snuggling. Mostly...I want Lola to BE better. So next year...she and I can bundle into our sweaters and head out the front door.

my man, some beer and a soccer game

Last Thursday my Mom offered to stay with Lola and Kindred while Jason and I had a date night. And what a date it was!!

We got the chance to go with friends to the very FIRST Real soccer game in the new stadium. Not much than can beat that.

Our first date in a looong while...i'm happy...he can't wait to get inside and find our seats

Apparently it wasn't the seats he wanted to find

Go REAL!!!!

(ps...we did bring two towels home...I had to steal them from that dorky guy on the right side of the picture...you know him...he played soccer in high school and knows EVERYTHING about how a team should play)

Our friends after the game...apparently no one understand the timer situation...and

baby Ireland beat us all to sleepy time.

Just about to head home...what a great night!!!

where we at

It's been a crazy couple of days and I am hoping that we are seeing some answers from the very long weeks we've had.

Lola continues to amaze me with her strength and growth. Now that she knows she can pull herself to standing, or crawl across you as you lay and play with her, or tug on the dog who loyally sits next to her...she hasn't stopped trying. Trying. Doing. Being.

Is it possible that my 13 1/2 month old is my ispiration? A mentor who continually pushes me to be far more than I ever thought I could be.

Many parents have experienced the pain of feeling vulnerable and helpless...actually I think they have all felt that at some point. Whether it's the first time you hold you child and you catch your breath realizing this tiny being depends on you for everything...or when they get their shots and you wish you could do it for them...or as they walk into school for the first time...or a new school...or when they decide it's time to skateboard instead of walk.

Kindred is a constant inspiration to me as well. Lola gets crazy happy when she sees him and I love his ability to draw love and attention from people. He's always been that way. His sense of humor that ages far beyond his years. His ability to hang with any crowd. I love having him around and he has made the last few weeks a joy. Even when Lola was in the hospital he would play and play with her. Making her laugh so hard every adult in the room would stare in wonder.

I can't believe where life has taken us.

the brink

So...today I actually cried to my boss. I babbled something about where my heart is and how I feel I need to be in too many places at once.

I am officially falling over the edge.

time to find the sweaters

We have a window in our room at the head of our bed, that we can see out if we are lying in bed and tilt our heads back or if we roll over to our stomachs and lift our heads. I've spent many nights peering out this very window looking up at the stars, gently silhouetted by the branches and leaves from our backyard tree. This window is the current obsession of one growing 13 month old, who has as well found it exciting to look through and see what is on the other side.

This morning, with a gray hue as the background Jason and I stared in wonder at the first snow of the year. It was dusting our tree and in the dim light of the morning, we could barely see it as it fell.

The soundtrack of our morning was the increasingly adorable chattering of Lola as she awakes and moves around her crib searching for toys Momma left for her. On more than one occasion we've caught her lying in bed, book in hand, turning the pages as talks to herself, as if to be reading the book aloud. I've never seen a baby love books so much and I try to surround her with the thick cardboard kind so she can turn the pages herself...it also saves the others from her love for tearing pages.

Jason and I are working hard on getting the house in order. It helps to have something to keep our mind off not knowing what is wrong with our baby girl. We've got curtains up, and more set to be hung. Our family room is going to be the place in the house we hang out. We have found a couch but need to save for it before we get it, but can't wait to see how much it adds to coziness. We have plans for the bonus room to be an office and guest room...a place to escape the madness. Kindred has posters hung in obvious preteen boy fashion. The process will be slow...we've never had so much room before! Or a reason to buy things that we want to keep forever.

And as I hear Jason making coffee and playing with Lola as she eats. I know that this is Home.

the first of many

I knew it was coming...but had pushed it back so far in my thoughts, that I had pretty much convinced myself it might not happen.

Today Lola's blood count had dropped below the level her doctors had set before she needs a transfusion. Tomorrow at 10 am Lola will be heading back to Primary Childrens where she will be getting her first blood transfusion since being released from the hospital. Based on what the doctors have told us, this will probably be the first of many visits back for transfusion, but something about the FIRST that puts my nerves on edge.

I was told the procedure would take about 4-6 hours as they still have to go at a very slow pace, and if all goe well, she will be able to come home with us. If her heart shows any sign of distress, or if there are any other complications, she will have to stay overnight for monitoring.

It's quite the adventure we are on.

bubble baths and skeletons

In an honest attempt tonite to make us look a bit moved in, kindred and I set to decorating the house with some of the Halloween stuff we have been able to salvage from the garage. If any of you have ever had to move with little to no organization involved with the packing, then an attempt to put it all in the garage so you can "go through it slowly and carefully" and then had to abandon all attempts at unpacking in order to live at hospital...you'll be able to understand. For those of you who are rubbing your head wondering "what is WRONG with these people?!", you apparently understand as well.

In the garage I was able to find one box. It tried to conceal itself behind the plastic christmas tree, box marked "unpack me first, i'm VERY important" and wedding dress...but it's orange and black coloring and huge lettering HALLOWEEN SHIT gave it away. What I found in this box was a poor attempt at decorations. Things I collected over the years but tried not to spend any real money on. Things that because we were moving from California to Utah just after Halloween last year, havent' been unpacked in awhile. What I didn't find was the box that actually was able to conceal itself. In it are what I AM SURE are the expensive, well thought out purchases. Someday I hope to find such a box.

We put up the cardboard skeleton, the jack o' lantern door hanging and more eyeball candles than the haunted house downtown owns. Now if I just had a pumpkin candle I'd be set.

Afterwards Jason and I realized it's been awhile since our last sponge bath attempt with Lola. We conjured up the perfect plan of "I'll hold this and you do this". Lola at this point was beyond tired and was making every attempt to let us know just how long of day she'd had. She'd managed to sit on her Horsey and push herself a few inches with the coaxing of Grandma Lola. She'd managed to eat more fish sticks and ravioli than the German army could handle. And she had listened to enough crap from the Presidential Debate.

We put this silly plastic sleeve, intended to waterproof her IV and allow a safe bathing experience only it's sized for a 350 lb linebacker, on her arm. I used as much medical tape as I thought legally allowed to secure it and we plopped her into the tub. Immediately she remembered just how much fun the bath was and mustered up all her patience and allowed me to wash ever inch of her body, including her hair, without so much as a scream. Jason handed her to me and I bundled her up and almost instinctively buried my face into that little space between your neck and shoulder and inhaled deeply. Whoever invented Baby Shampoo smell...God Bless You.

We all crawled up on the bed and rolled around for a few minutes and I realized just how much better that little peanut must feel. Sorta like a long hot shower after a week long camping trip. I couldn't get enough of her climbing and crawling and gabbering. I combed her hair and put her in clean jammies and gathered her up in my arms to head to bed.

Just before I put her down...she buried her face in that special little spot between my neck and my shoulder, inhaled deeply and smiled.

13 months and going strong

Dear Lola,

Yesterday you turned 13 months old. This is something that has me floored. To think that 13 months ago I had major abdominal surgery and you were born.

It's been an incredible few weeks that have sorta overpowered life. You have taught me that life should never be taken for granted and to take pleasure in the simplest things in life. You've taught me that milestones and reaching other people expectations of you makes for nothing. And you've taught me that strength really does come from within.

The past few days have been such a joy. Watching you rediscover the world and do it on your terms. You are never going to be one who is pushed into doing something you aren't quite ready for and definitely won't be the one to back down when shit hits the fan. I love watching you discover toys and "read" your books. I've never met a baby who is so fanatical about turning the pages on books and gabbering away. Or a baby who loves to sing along to The Beatles as if it was their favorite song.

One might think at 13 months old you would be walking and running and playing. Making friends with the neighbor kids and saving 10% of all your earnings for college. I'm ok with the fact you aren't doing all those things yet. I'm ok with having my baby be a baby for longer. In fact, I had to go through your clothes last night and start to pick out the ones that don't fit and replace with ones that do. It's been umm...FOREVER since I had to do that. It was really hard for me though to put away those tiny little shirts knowing you were getting big on me.

When I pick you up, it's no longer a tiny frail baby I'm picking up...it's a BABY. And so often when I do pick you up, and it hits me how big you are getting, I can't help but put you in what might appear to be a WWF wrestling move kinda hug. I just can't seem to get enough hugs or kisses from you.

And you seem to enjoy them as well...I have to say a wet slobbery open mouth on my face is the sweetest thing I've ever seen.

You changed my life. You put it all into perspective and made me realize that sometimes, I don't have to be going 100 miles an hour. That sometimes it's ok to put the blanket out on the grass and read a book or take a walk around the block in the coolest Radio Flyer wagon to hit the streets.

Love, Your Momma

another twist to the tale

One might be surprised to find out that my plan to be here at home with Lola has changed. My life is so plain and boring and well, predictable. You'd never think by looking at me or the past few years that one minute I would be doing and saying one thing, and the next, those same things would become lies.

Monday I start back at work. It was a bit out of my hands...but probably for the better. I'm not an at home kind of gal. I don't know that I am strong enough...those I know who stay at home with kids...they must be made of steel. Maybe it's because I've never done it for more than a few weeks and never got to get "in the groove" of what SAHM do. Or maybe it's because I don't actually like being by myself all that much.

Whatever the reason...I am full of crazed emotions today with the thought of leaving Lola. Luckily my mom has gone above and beyond...AGAIN...and offered to be with Lola in the morning and then I can take her to daycare in the afternoon. Talk about some serious relief being felt at the Willford Estate.

I would love to have the option to stay home. But...we are a two income home. With a mountain of medical bills pouring in as I type. And more to come...as there doestn' look to be any answer coming our way soon what is exactly wrong with the little Child Who Screams.

And yes...although she has made some VAST improvements in the areas of screaming...she still lets me know I am not allowed to be very far away.

my new day

Yesterday I got a blessing from a most unexpected place. I stopped by work for a few minutes to let everyone see how was Lola is doing and to talk with my boss about making arrangements on a schedule so I can be with Lola as much as possible.

My fear all along has been leaving Lola and not being able to take care of her the way I feel should be done. My other fear is I have NEVER wanted to be a stay at home mom...it just has never fit my personality. So I have been torn between work and family.

I had stopped at the grocery store with Lola and while checking out, the cashier inquired as to what happened to her little arm. I realized she meant the covering over her Pic Line and I sat there for a few seconds trying to think of what to say. Finally I said...she was in the hospital and she has an IV line that has to stay in for future visits. The girls jaw dropped...is...is she gonna be ok?

I walked out with tears in my eyes as it FINALLY slammed me full force that this isn't going away. This isn't the flu or a cold or even strep where she can take medicine and be over it. This is going to be something that for the rest of her life impacts her.

And I was no longer torn. I knew that my companty telling me to stay home with Lola until we know what is going on, to go into work at night for a few hours when Jason can be with her, to comfort her and help her grow strong...are exactly what I need. I need to be putting Lola first. And I need to be here with her.

I only worry I am gonna start to enjoy this a little bit too much.

the fight

I've been trying very hard to keep Lola's CarePage all about positivity and all that I hope will give her and everyone else hope. But I have to be honest...there comes a point where I just feel like breaking down. And since this is the place I rant and rave...here ya go.

I'm exhausted...not so much from the lack of sleep anymore, but more from the fact that I want to know what the hell almost killed my baby. I want to stop feeling like I am being fooled with her insane good mood and willingness to start to try the things she had stopped trying. I hate thinking, was that all a dream, and then seeing her, with her poor arm all bandaged up with the creepiest looking IV kinda thing poking out of her skin, and remembering...this is bad.

I keep being told...you don't know what it is...it could be nothing. And I think we'd all love for it to go that way...so i'll cross my fingers and toes and hope for just that.

A few months back while up in Logan, visiting with friends who had come into town...Jason and I started talking about what our life is like and where it's headed. We had just started to look for a house to buy, I was planning on going back to school...we had so much going on. And I told him...we have to get ready. I've known for a long time that something was going to happen with Lola that was going to test us and push us and almost kill us...something that would make us need to be the strongest couple known. We need to be ready.

Jason brought up that conversation in the hospital. And sure enough...that's where we are. He said...we have become "those people". The ones you look at and think...what would I do if I was in their shoes? The ones people feel bad for and want to do something for...but what honestly can you do more than send balloons and meals and love? Our helplessness is magnified and it's painful to see.

I have to remind myself...we are more than that. We are those people who's daughter is kicking ass and fighting. Fighting harder than most possibly could. She's got some incredible angels who I feel standing next to us as I hold her in my arms and just stare at her in wonder. All the fight and strength from all those who love her, is helping her. I feel bad...that little tiny girl is way tougher than I am. I have to remind myself...she's fighting...she's working to get stronger...I need to do the same.

And I know for a fact...that fight will never leave her beautiful eyes.

Lola update

So...just to let everyone know what is going on...and since I am working off the hospitals computer and have no access to pictures or real way to keep this current yet...here's a general update.

Last Wednesday nite we brought Lola to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City after having watched her go from a small fever and cold symptoms to an intense difficulty with breathing and total lethargy. Upon walking into the waiting room of the ER we were rushed to the resuscitation room where they immediately found Lola's red blood cell count or hematocrit level was at a 4.2%. Normally...she should have been at a 35-40%. Within minutes, 8-10 doctors and nurses were swarming around her trying to get her temperature up which had also dropped to a very dangerous level and oxygen as she was almost not breathing. She was given a Trauma Blood Transfusion and tests were sent out to see what else was going on in her little body.

She was moved into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit where we have spent the 2 1/2 days getting a total of 8 blood transfusions, a plasma transfusion, Echo (ultrasounds) of her heart, and medication and after medication to get her stabilized.

Last nite, her stats were stable enough to move her to unit where she her heart is constantly monitored and where they feel she can rest and get her strength back.

So far we have been unable to run any tests, as she has no spare blood to give out. But what the have been able to determine, her body is not producing red blood cells or she has something that is destroying them. Her heart has been fighting this lack of ability to send oxygen through the body by pumping as fast as possible, causing it to become dangerously enlarged. Over the past few days she suffered from heart failure, kidney failure and liver failure...all while her body was trying to relax from the strain it's been put through and start working with new blood and blood cells that can carry oxygen.

Her blood count is up so now the worry is her heart and how it is reacting. Once that is stabilized...the doctors feel we will be able to monitor her while we begin searching for the cause of all this.

Tomorrow, if all goes as scheduled, Lola will be getting a bone marrow aspiration (biopsy) that in the next week or two will start to give us some answers. It will tell us a few things...whether or not this is a disease that is preventing her body from making red blood cells...or a disease that is killing them. And the big scary thing...will tell us if she has Leukemia or not. This happens to be quite a ways down the list of possiblities...but it's still there.

Lola has been up and playing and smiling today. She got to eat some food!! yeah!! and even read a few books. The doctors and nurses here have completely fallen in love with her and are just dying to get to know the baby was has lived through such a low blood count and is up and moving so quickly after. At just 12 1/2 months...the little girl is already famous.

I have a carepages set up for her so you can all keep track of her progress and leave her love notes...just send me an email and I'll send you the invite to find her.

thank you for all your love and prayers.

Lola....she's thrown us for another loop and scaring us to death.

For updates feel free to go to www.carepages.org/lolawillford

I will be updating that with her standings.

can't help myself

Up until recently, I was a bit undecided as to which side to lean on the political party. Each party having gone against the grain and pushed limits...definitely made it hard for me to choose.

Until this week. I have to say, as a woman, I find Palin to be a total joke. She is making a mockery of the presidential election and there is no way I want a woman like that to be a step away from being president.

And this article just made me giggle. Enjoy.

moment of silence

So...let me start off by saying...I'm going to be ok. I realized I have to be. I realized my drama is nothing compared to the fact that I have a brother who is nothing short of an idiot. And he's on my shit-list. He got this crazy notion it would be fun to drive his motorcycle into a cow. A COW. and fly through the air and get stabbed in the neck by something. And then be able to stand up and pick up the bike and get himself to a hospital. That man has more lives than an alley cat.

So...the wake up call that was hearing my mother say "your brother was in a motorcycle accident" has made me realize that my emotional trauma and inability to function normally needs to be dealt with. Cause this weekend I could have lost my brother. And I'm sorta pissed about that.

I'm sitting here holding in the tears thinking about what this weekend consisted of and just thought I would share with you what it is that is making Rachel crazy.

Thursday we almost didn't get our house. Friday morning we finally were told we got the house. Friday afternoon we were told we got the house but might not get everything we were promised. Friday late afternoon I got the keys and everything we had asked for. Saturday we loaded our halfway packed house (and that much was done all due to my own personal angel). We spent the entire day moving into a house that we are still in shock is ours. Sunday my daughter turned One. Sunday morning we cleaned the duplex to never return to it again. Sunday night Lola screamed everytime I walked away. Sunday night I got a phone call that my brother had been in a motorcycle accident and was headed in for surgery. Monday Jason went back to work while my mom came over and I unpacked. Tuesday I am back at work and headed to school in an hour.

I have to admit I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed but it's time I turn that frown upside down and start sharing the excitement and love that I have in my life. Right after I fly to Arizona and kick my brother's ass.

ps...i'll find my camera soon.

Nerves of jello

So today is "signing our life away" day. I know...people do this all the time. And lots of people do this lots in their lifetime. But today signifies much more than brick and mortar...it marks growth...evolution...life.

Just a few years ago Jason and I were so underground we struggled buying gas to get to work and putting food in the fridge only happened with the help of others. And now...after making some huge changes and sacrifices in our lives, we have reached a milestone we had never thought imaginable.

I couldn't think of a better man to be standing next to as I head into the future.

i've been strong and i've been weak

I think I must have made the mistake once of praying for patience. Because right now...the concept and skill of patience is being taught to me. In one of of those "kick your ass up and down the street" kind of lessons. This is the kind of week that has been designed to test me. And right now...I don't feel like the kind of lady who is going to make it out on top.

I used to dream of being a grown up...getting married, making babies, buying stuff, buying a house. And it's happening. Right now. And so many more things I never expected are coming with it. As is life, I guess. But honestly...I'm about to throw int he towel and call it quits.

I hate that I have even uttered the words, Is this worth it? When it's all said and done...I'm sure I will feel stronger...even be able to sit around and talk about what a crazy time in my life that was and then move onto the next thing.

The one constant, has been Jason. In the 6 short years we have been together, we have seen and gone through some of the kinds of trials people often don't see. When I go crazy...he goes crazy right along with me. I'm a lucky girl to have someone to lose it with. Cause then we pick up the pieces, dust off the dirt and keep going.

my roots

In just a few hours we leave for a weekend away at the 30th Anderson Family Reunion. (for so long I thought it was as old as I, but no, it's older)

I'm thrilled to have the chance to go. For the past five years, August would come and go and my heart would ache at having to miss such a fun time to bond with distant family. It was a great time to see family from every aspects of life and see them share their love for each other.

I am so glad Lola gets to be there. Kindred is already there with Grandma and I am sure the star of the day. (luckily he's much like his dad and can entertain and converse with just about anyone)

So...off I go to finish the food preparation and packing the car.

food for thought

I have been tempted once or twice to jump on the bandwagon and do a "cleanse" or "detox" or what-have-you. And then logic said...ummm...no thanks.

But recently I have found that not just the schedule and the life I have...but I am feeling run down and unhealthy. And food has been something that we have been very aware of in this house since finding how sensitive our bodies can be when we went through everything with Lola.

So today marks day one of my new eating lifestyle. I'm going to alter it as needed and cheat on it and do my best all at the same time. And I'm quite excited about it.

I'll let you know how it goes.

make that a triple shot

So we found out that the roofers will begin work tomorrow...which is huge...as they are supposed to be complete with a new fancy roof by the 27th. That also means that all the other work that is to be done will as well be done that day. Big stuff.

Then...we scheduled ourselves our appointment to sign the closing paperwork. The 28th Day of the Month of August in the year 2008 at the hour of 1500. That's right. By 400 pm Jason and I will be first time homeowners. Crazy.

Reality is setting in a bit and I finally acknowledged I was stretching myself too thin. So we pushed Lola's birthday party back a week to allow me some time to nest in the new house. Yet another thing that has got me a bit crazy...my baby is turning a year old. And last night when I got home and saw her in Daddy's arms...the only place she could fall asleep after an episode of an upset tummy...I realized...she really is growing. She's so long. I mean...REALLY long. It took me by surprise. For such a tiny baby...she's very long. No wonder all her clothes are 6-9 month and are way too big around but way too short. Thank God for the extenders that make her onesies last longer. But as big as she is getting...we might actually have to go buy her some new clothes this next year. But not a halloween costume...cause I am certain the one she wore last year will fit just fine for this year. Poor thing.

I've been in school 2 weeks now and it might just do me in. Not only am I spending more money on Rockstars and Starbucks than all of Los Angeles...I just want to be home...getting ready to make my new house, my first HOME.

Well...it is what it is and life is good. Kindred is home and adjusting well. Jason is still a saint.

Life is good.

let the countdown begin

So...we signed the last of the "addendum" paperwork today and sent it over to Kathy, who should get a Realtor of the Year award.

I made an excuse to leave work for a soda so I could drive past the house...I am getting so anxious. I just sat there thinking of all the things I want to do to make it 'ours'. I can't believe we are actually doing this. I have so many thoughts and emotions...time doesn't allow me to express them all.

Mostly...I am thankful. Like so many...I've been through some pretty hard times in the last few years...and to see some good coming of all our hard work and sacrifice...it's a lot to take in.

get out of my way!!

I have a theory. And this theory is proven every single time I get in the car and leave my driveway. I honestly believe that the reason Utah drivers drive so poorly is that is their only way to be rebellious. "Can't drink or smoke or have sex...then allbeit...I'm gonna drive like shit!"

If any of you haven't felt the fear of driving yet in this state, come take a drive. You'll be cut off, see that merging is an unknown skill, talking on the phone while putting on makeup and feeding the baby are the norm, and that red lights are mere "suggestions."

To sum it up...here are a few bumper sticker ideas that I stole off a blog I regularly read. Enjoy.

"Praise to the Man who communed with his road rage"

"Will You Drive This Bad in the Celestial Kingdom?"

"Have I Done Any Good on this road today? "

"No garments? THAT explains why you're driving the speed limit!"

"Forgive me, brothers and sisters, I'm late for a(nother) meeting! "

"I don't cut people off on Sundays, so back off! "

"I am your chance to practice Christlike love and forgiveness. "

'Choose the right...lane, when a choice is placed before you''

"We all must work, let no one shirk, now put your hand on the damned wheel and drive along''

"10% better than yours"

''Babies on board'

"Zoom Zoom Ye Saints."

"My Other Car is a handcart, but THIS one hauls ass!"

"I wouldn't have to drive like this if I were allowed to have a Starbucks."

"Go ahead! My real driving history is locked in a vault, and I won't let anyone see it!"

"CTR--Especially If You're Going Only 5 Over the Speed Limit"

"My SUV's Better Than Your Hybrid"

"If You Can See This Bumper Sticker Which Reads Women Should Have The Priesthood Then you're Too Damn Close! "

"Mountain Meadows Maniac!"

"Get off my ass, or I will go TELESTIAL on you!!"

"I dunk dead people"

"My driving is sophmoric, I mean bisophric"

"I've done my good today, now move along!"

"You want to hie to Kolob?! I'll hie you to Kolob!"

“Stick to your bicycle, it’s safer for me.”

"Now I know what UTARD means."

what we do and how we do it

Let's see...so far this week (and last) the following has occured.

1. While walking Lola and Eris around the block, I used my super pirate skills and stole back my lawn mower. So all you who sent words of love and encouragement during that terribly difficult time at the Willford Estate, I send my gratitude. And a warning into the streets...where there is evil, I will be there. Where there is a cop beating a guy up, I will be there. and of course, STAY AWAY FROM MY MOWER.

2. I survived (with minimal damage) my first week back at school. Let's just say I was welcomed with loving arms and laughs of disbelief. People I used to train how to teach are now teaching me. Oh the irony of it all.

3. Some good news has come our way about the housing situation. those being A. We totally made the right decision to work with Kathy Durrans, Utah Realtor. and B. we even helped secure someone to take over our lease.

4. Lola is officially a crawler. She is no longer hesistant to share her skills. Not a pillow or a dog or body will stop her when she has a goal insight. I love her dedication. May she never lose it.

5. I'm exhausted. Caffeine has no effect on me and I wonder how safe it is for me to drive. That only means my poor driving is like camoflauge in this environment. I look like every other idiot Utah driver, so no one will think the worse.

6. I have to publicly say, Jason is a saint. Not even kidding. With my schedule allowing, umm..ZERO time, he has really stepped into the role of the Doer. He unselfishly makes my lunches, does laundry, plays single dad at night, packs, cleans, shows the house, walks the dog, closes the windows, opens the windows and even has a glass of wine ready when I get home. I am a better woman for having married this man.

it's not your childhood street anymore

i remember growing up on sully street...the house was white...on a corner...it was a cool house. my mom had stenciled the kitchen that when i really think about it...was barely large enough for our table for 20. the living room held a fireplace that allowed my imaginiation to run wild and many a day were spent playing school teacher using crayon on the rock. (yeah...not my brightest moment) i remember having the chicken pox and sitting looking out our huge window at my school across the street as the kids played tetherball. i remember running to the Hoopes house up the street whenever we needed anything. an egg. a cup of milk. a 1/3 cup of sugar. someone to play with. or they just didn't answer their phone...so why not just go up and say hi. forever, i felt safe there in that house at 1122 sully st.

i shared the upstairs bedroom with jj for a bit and then eventually was able to move into one of the basement rooms which immediately was turned into haven for all that was barbie or cabbage patch. it was a sanctuary. the kind of sanctuary even thieves wouldn't dare touch.

once...our house was broken into and the entire house was trashed. the kind of trashed were everything you own and hold dear is tossed to the floor and stomped on as if it has no meaning.

i remember how it shook us all to see what had happened. to walk around and have to look at that. to know that something had been stolen and how see how someone had torn every thing from the shelves and walls and closets and drawers that they could. scavengers. in search of anything and everything that could give them quick cash. dumb assess...they failed to realize the books the tossed on the floor were worth more than their mortal souls. but they settled for a CAMERA.

but my room...my room was left unscathed. i remember coming home and running to my room worried about my dolls and my items so immaculately placed...and finding...finding it exactly the way i left it. perhaps it was the innocence of the room....or perhaps someone came home and scared those dumb theives shitless so they ran like the bastards they were.

funny thing... i was never scared. even after the break in. i don't remember ever being afraid someone was coming back. i remember being upset but never afraid. ok...honestly...the only time i was really afraid at that house was the first time i was left alone at home and i locked myself in the bathroom and played stevi nicks and played barbie until my parents came home. next day...i was fine and i was fighting with mom that, NO brushing your hair everyday was NOT a necessity. (pictures from this era will not be included. ever.)

this past sunday...something was stolen from my home. something that makes me want to knock on every door on the street with a flyer and tell people how outraged I am that society allows people to steal from their neighbors yards and be ok with it. I want to tell them...i remember when you could borrow sugar from your neighbor...NOT STEAL THEIR DAMN PUSH LAWNMOWER.

yes...someone stole our mower. a push mower. our 'GO GREEN' mower. our...we're too broke to afford a real mower and even broker to pay for gas every month for a real mower. our...we saved for a month cause what we really really REALLY wanted was THIS mower. our...HOW DARE YOU mower.

part of me wants to be pissed and throw my garbage around on someone else's lawn to make up for it. and then...part of me wants to tell people...if you need it THAT BAD...then just take it. just take it. cause some day...some day, jesus will see you. and he'll tell you. you stole a PUSH MOWER........FROM SOMEONE'S YARD....yeah....we don't serve your kind here.

what else you got?

So I am in the middle of my first night at school when I get a text message letting me know my daughter has turned into a baby. While I was gone.

Over the last week or so she has been tempting us with her commando crawl and persistantly requesting some camo outfits. Apparently her talents of being a super stealth outwitted Jason last nite. He put her down in the living room floor to give himself both hands to remove his boots (the kind of boots that smell to the point people wonder if he actually got them from the neighbors garbage).

In the time it took him to remove said boots, Lola had Navy Sealed her way over to the cd shelves and had removed about 20 or so CDs and had already managed to pull down a guitar from its resting place.

Neither of us can help but get super excited about her "acting like a baby". I'm sure this emotion will be short lived...but I'm enjoying it while I can. Well...atleast through text message pictures. But with a face like this...how can you not just LOVE HER!!

Do we have any packing tape?

So instead of jumping at the chance while the Child Who Screams is asleep and the menfolk are off catching tonites dinner, I thought it would be far more fun to jump online. Sometimes I amaze myself.

I am packing the first boxes today for our move. Then I will be laying out my outfit for tomorrows debut at school. Then I will be packing enough food to feed a small army. And after all that I will be heading to my moms.

It's a great follow up day to My Perfect Day yesterday. While on our way to the grocery store, Jason remarked about how nice it is to be doing errands as a family. In fact I think the words used were, Don't you love doing our errands together as a family? I almost leaned over and licked him.

spokane trip

I don't even know where to start to describe my time in Spokane. I think I touched on every emotion a person can without going into total overload. Honestly...it was a great trip and I am so thankful I was able to take Lola. Jason was pretty down about not being able to make it...and it has hit me pretty hard that he should have gone with me. It just wasn't in the cards.

I am amazed though at how even at my worst times...the times I just finally let it out and dealt with some of my emotion...I felt safe. This was the same place that kept me safe during one of the hardest times of my life, and once again kept me safe as I faced the pain again.

Lola is a lucky girl to have such an incredible family...and I am going to do all I can to make sure she is well connected to them.

Lola's first plane ride

Lola and her cousins Lucas and Andrew

Ben and I at the lake

Lola and I at the Lake

Eileene and Jef at the Lake

Sam skating at the Lake

Me and the kids

Lola with her Great Granny

Jef playing with Lola

Ben and Lola

Lola and I with Granny

fun for all

I finally figured out how to open up the comments to anyone...not just blogger account holders. Glory Day!!! Can't wait to see what you have all been thinking but unable to say!!!

11 months

Dear Peanut...

Tomorrow you turn 11 months old. Tonite during our walk I couldn't stop stealing peaks at you observing the world and taking it all in. That's what you do. It's remarkable how intune you are with everything around you and you'll stop at nothing to be constantly involved.

Normally you hate sitting on the grass...a trait I undoubtedly passed on, but tonite you faired the prickly sensation and sat playing with the neighborhood kids for longer than I deemed possible. They took turns running around with Eris, seeing who could get her to run faster, and playing with you. The youngest even shared her Bratz playing cards. You could tell by her hesitation and assistance in showing you how to handle them, that these were a prized possession. You must have caught on to their value and never once engaged in card to mouth contact.

I have spent so many nights worrying and crying over you. Tonite, I am rejoicing. You are becoming quite the little girl and I have enjoyed spending some much needed time with you. We took a trip this past week to Spokane to see family. Your pale skin and room brightening smile were quite the hit. You got to meet family you have never met before and some you may never see again. It was important to me that we go there together. It is important to me that you grow up knowing how much love there is in this family.

There is so much going on in our little lives. We might be moving into our first house. Next week I start school, which sadly will take me away from you, but give you some incredible bonding time with your dad. I worry that by the time Friday comes around you won't even know who I am. And in just one month is your first birthday. I have gone over and over what I should do to celebrate this and have decided to not ask a single person for advice and just go with my gut. I know exactly how I want to celebrate this and I am going to enjoy planning it for you.

I hope you'll be a bit more mobil when that party day comes around. Right now you are pretty picky about when you'll crawl and when you won't. I am getting it from all sides that I don't put you on the ground enough. So forgive me if I seem to be ignoring you for the next bit...I guess it's time you learn to handle things on your own. But don't worry...I'll never be far.

Sweet dreams little peanut. I love you. Forever.

Love, your mommy

suburbia

Here we are, knee deep in the stress we intentionally created. We found a house...put in an offer and are now, in realtor terms, Under Contract. (knocking on wood in hopes of preventing any jinxing). It's happening. The effect...nausea.

This frighteningly adult decision was sparked by the idea it was time for us to plant our roots and create a stable environment for our kids. Well...semi stable. While this all sounds peachy, my gypsy notions are doing somersaults in my gut.

Luckily, we found a house that not only will fulfill the needs of a family with 77 children and an ewok...but it will also allow us a bit more space and options than we had planned for. For all this, we sacrified location. Our hopes of living in town have been crushed by the temptation of a 2 car garage, 4 bedroom, 3 bath suburbian lifestyle. Hopefully we'll be gettin' a good ol' mini-van before the year is up and perhaps I'll even join the PTA. Although my enjoyment over spiking the Kool-Aid might get me kicked out, but hell, maybe I'll still give it a go.

Hopefully things will all pan out and mid-September there will be a House Warming Party to shame all others.

two of the men in my life on this 29th day of july

Having had only a day to recoup, I headed to Provo last nite with so much anxiety I think I frightened my step-dad. JJ was packing to leave and I wanted to make sure I was there for as long as I could be. Unfortunately, having taken time off the week prior to go to Spokane, even sneaking out a few minutes early proved difficult.

We arrived to an apartment near empty and people who's nerves were for the worse. We spent a few hours with them...not nearly enough time...but I guess it'll have to work.

Today JJ is in a truck driving towards Colorado and then off to Memphis. It's hard knowing he's gone. My little brother and I have been through a lot.

We had a house in Laramie where the hall ways in the basement were at the most 2 feet wide. As kids, we would somehow wrestle through those halls where more often than not, I would end up beaten and bruised pinned between the two walls. A few short years later we relied heavily on each other as we took the Amtrak from Laramie to Green River to visit our Dad. I believe it was those train trips that really helped us become the good friends we are today. Years later we would taunt and support each other and provide hours of sarcasm and entertainment.

I wonder how hard this move would have been for me if I hadn't myself moved from California to Utah just a few months back. I got the opportunity to spend afternoons running after kids and evenings enjoying good meals with him. I got the opportunity to see my brother has an Adult. As a Husband and as a Father. It's been good.

Today also marks the 2nd Annivesary of my Father's death. Looking back on that day when I got that phone call...it's hard to believe I made it two years. Thinking just of last year how I tried to ignore the day and pretend it didnt' exist. This year...I've come to terms (a bit) with things and find that writing about it actually isn't killing me...as once thought.

Yet...the questions of life plague me. How does a person get over the pain that exists when the lose a parent far earlier than you should. How are you supposed to react when you think of all the words unsaid and all the regrets. How are you supposed to feel good about smiling and laughing when you knew that person was in such pain.

I look at Lola and I get so angry he isn't here to see her. She is such a ridiculous child full of personality (who would have thought) and he would have loved her to pieces. I see such a spark in her that I know he would have enjoyed seeing. Everyone does. She's different than other babies. Nothing calm or casual about her...it's all or nothing. He would have enjoyed seeing her grow...teaching her dirty jokes and bad words. They would share a love for dogs and people. I miss him...and today that sting is just a bit worse. But I know he is looking down and sending his love...daily I see the sign he sends...and I know that today...Love from Heaven will get me through.