being at home...and loving it

There was a time that I would be gone for 3 weeks out of a month. Gone for a week, back in town with time to wash clothes, repack, kiss the hubby and catch the next flight to destination unknown.

I enjoyed what I was doing...actually...I LOVED what I was doing. It allowed me to tap into a part of my soul that thrives off teaching and presenting. Connecting with people from all walks and backgrounds and helping them to see what their next step in life was. I would coach people how to run schools and build businesses. I would talk to people about their dreams and help them come to life. I would help them find and implement that necessary balance of work and family and life.

In hindsight...I can see that I had stopped taking care of me and my family. I was so busy coaching others how to find balance...I had forgotten what it was to have it myself. My husband took the brunt of the pain of watching my career aspirations grow. He stood beside me and every time I selfishly lunged out...he would carefully pick up the pieces of the mess I had made and did his best to put it back together. And I suffered. I was living and building someone else's dream while mine went unrecognized. I forgot who I was.

It's been a year now since I stopped traveling. Since my last trip that had me doing for someone else what I should have been doing for me. Work has become, for the very first time in my life, one of the lowest items on my priority list. I am here for the fact of financial necessity and a growing dependency on health insurance. I am here for the paycheck. I am here till I don't have to be anymore.

I am sure some day I'll be dealt the decision of going or staying. Some day I'll have a career again that will inspire me and move me. Some day I'll be offered the opportunity to tally up some frequent flyer miles. Someday I might have a chance to build for someone else again and leave my dreams behind.

And I hope when that time comes...I hope I will be able remember how good it felt to walk down the aisles of Home Depot, hand in hand, chasing a toddler and convincing a pre-teen that it's cool to hang with your parents, as we leisurely spent our Saturday doing what we could to fix up our home.

Or to look out the window at the men of my life, as they do men stuff...sawing and drilling and hammering and joking. And know, that in a few short months, we'll all be out there soaking up the sun and enjoying their labours.

Or to wake up suddenly in the early hours, to recognize the angelic sound of jabbering and giggling coming from the baby's room.

I hope that when that day comes...I'll know that I am doing what I should be...making my own dreams come true.

it's on

A few days back I turned 30.

The birthday I have been anticipating for as long as I can remember. And I'm not kidding. My 20's...ICK.

Early on I knew those were definitely not going to be my years. Suffering from depression, heartbreak, major life mistakes and questions of who I was and what I wanted...it was a long ten years. Ten years I was happy to say good-bye to.

But 30...my THIRTIES...oh yeah. That's when things were gonna happen.

You stop taking life for granted and you are no longer taken for granted. There is a new seriousness to life but in a way that makes it livable and attainable.

I couldn't wait. For a very long time. I had it planned in my head for years how I was going to break into my 3o's. Jason and I had dreams of making it the "best day ever!" Some travel plans...a dream accomplished...memories made.

And then plans changed. Months before the blessed event...we knew it would never go down as intended.

And then...days before...even the tiny little plans changed. A simple hike... lunch away from our normal routine...a day spent as a normal family. Gone. Vanished.

Instead...I celebrated with sleep deprivation from being in a hospital with a sick baby and days spent in an isolated room. I was entertained by nurses dancing with IV poles carrying various pieces of cake and a balloon and then honored with a blessing of healing for my baby girl and a short visit by my family bearing my favorite kind of cake (which ps...the nurses LOVED!!!).

Who wouldn't feel a little jipped...who wouldn't wish it to be different? Who wouldn't at one point say...this isn't what I had planned?!!

But then...who wouldn't feel blessed to know their loved ones were thinking and praying, not only for them, but for their family?

Who wouldn't feel like it was a great birthday watching their daughter's fever disappear?

Or know it was a special day seeing the smile of their husband and son as they arrived to say hello and the responding smile from their daughter?

Or the love felt as grandparents arrived to show their love and support?

Or the calmness felt when their daughter was blessed with healing hands?

Or just knowing people cared listening to voicemails and reading text messages from family and friends saying "I love you" and "we are there with you" and "happy eff'n 30th birthday old lady"?

I'll never turn 30 again.

But you know what, that's ok by me. Cause the THIRTIES...they'll never know what hit 'em.

my tiny life in this big world.

Lola is still not home from the hospital for her 2nd stay there in as many weeks. I had to leave her this morning as soon as Jason arrived so I could get to work. I cried most of the 25 minute drive.

This life...this journey...it's tough...in fact...at times...it kicks my ass. And right now, it's got me feeling pretty tired.

There are a lot of "what do we do"s floating around. Things have to change drastically. Our lives will never be the same and we will never again know the simplicity of getting up and going about our day. Everything is an unknown. The attempt at making plans is a joke.

I know without a single doubt, I would NEVER trade my life.

I am a very blessed woman. I have 5 kids that I love so much it makes my chest hurt. I have a husband I love and adore and respect and trust. I have family who continues to amaze with their love and support. I have a job, food, transportation, a roof over my head. It may not all stay exactly as it is...in fact big changes are coming sooner than we can get ready for them...but I know deep down...

I am strong enough to do this.

hospital withdrawals

I'm home from the hospital. I just spent the last 114 hours at a hospital with my baby. I'd say 110 of those were spent with her in her hospital room.

For four nights I slept on a fold out chair that resembled a bed/cot/sleeping device that stared at her crib. Sometimes I'd put up a blanket so when she woke up in the middle of the night she wouldn't be able to see me and would roll over and go back to sleep. sometimes...I'd leave the blanket down so we could both see each other.

And now...I am less then 10 feet away in our own home...our sanctuary...and I can't seem to go to bed. closing my eyes means I am not watching her anymore. And right now...I can't do that.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. Do the NORMAL thing. Be a working stiff and bring home the bacon and play like my life isn't worrying about my daughter losing her life every single day.

Every time I see her life flash before my eyes...or a scare happens where we can't get her to stop bleeding...or her counts drop...or I find myself screaming SHIT SHIT SHIT as I untangle an IV line from around her neck...I reminded that life isn't about clean kitchens or perfect grades or new stuff...it's about our not-so little family...and how much our crazy All American family loves each other.

I wonder if she'll mind if I sleep on her floor tonite. Or in her crib wrapped tightly around her. Or if I pull Jason and Kindred and her all in my bed and make them snuggle with me.

I might need a bigger bed.

Don't Hassel the Hoff

I can't help but love David Hasselhoff. I mean...seriously...Knight Rider...HELLOO!!!!

Enjoy.

spring fever

It's the 4th day of March and I'm having a hard time figuring out where the days have gone.

The snow has all but completely melted here in Salt Lake and it has me aching to head to the mountains for some hiking and exploring.

So I am scouring for a jogging stroller and a baby backpack (metal frame kind) on craigslist...cause, well, you know, you NEED those to go hiking and walking and exploring and excercising. And meeting my budget needs makes this time consuming...which then creates an obsession.

Acutally anything that is just barely out of my reach...something that isn't insanely easy to do...has a tendency of becoming the ENTIRE REASON I EAT AND BREATHE.

So...my reason for breathing this week...getting my kids out on a hike. Celebrating leaving my crummy 20's behind. Surrounded by my creepy little family and in their company celebrating God's beauty. Being a normal family for a day.

And it isn't helping that it's over 60 degrees right now outside and the birds have taken post on my window sill...taunting me with their chirps and ability to enjoy the sun in all it's glory.