some New Years cards

cause I love making cards so much...and well...it's just fun fun fun!!!

Tangerine Wishes Christmas Card

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Christmas Cards

Every year I get all excited about doing Christmas cards. I've even thought about writing one of those "update" letters to go with the card. But...well...it is hard to write one of those letters when our family is all over the place. So it is what it is. In years past...sometimes the cards have been created and mailed and sometimes not. Things happen.

The year after Lola was born I had a new "family" feeling. Our mix and match family was coming together. So I really enjoyed making the cards that year. The next year Lola was so sick we could barely figure out which was up. Christmas cards? Forgetabout it!

The next year...well...I think I was still in a daze and exhausted and really didnt' even think about it till it was too late. Perhaps I should have done some New Years Cards =)

THIS YEAR!!! I'm doing it! and with a little help from Shutterfly I can even do it within our measly little budget. Hello Christmas Cards!!!

I've even thought about doing something fun for the family...I LOVE calendars. Not sure why so much...but I do. I would have one in every single room. For a few years, my grandpa would gather pictures of all the grandkids and great grandkids and make a calender including everyone's birthdays. I think that may have gotten to be quite the project since there are only like 800 of us! But maybe I'll try something like that one day. A calendar with pictures of all of us?! Too Cute!!

And who knows...maybe I'll get organized enough this year to make some cute birthday cards to mail out for the kids.

This is going to be one incredible Christmas!!!

Don't Worry...

A few weeks ago in church, the lesson was about Not Worrying. And as I walk in and see a table of drinks with umbrellas and palm trees and the band is playing "Don't Worry Be Happy"...I had to laugh to myself. SERIOUSLY?! THIS is the church I've chosen to send me down my path?!

As the sermon went on...I realized how much value I've put lately on items in the world. And here I thought I was an anti-consumerist and greenie when it came to items on the earth. More so though...I've turned my heart and values on the worry of our monthly bills.

On if I can buy that pair of shoes that is needed so badly (i'm talking NEED...holes...falling apart and the ONLY pair of shoes that came close to fighting the owners feet). If I can grocery shop now or do I need to wait till the payday and make due with what is in the freezer and pantry.

I've begun worrying so much...my entire focus each week as I pay the bills is the simple struggle we have. And it's honestly consumed me. I'll save the details of the rest of the sermon for another day...for the power and life-changing experience it was, will take some time in explaining properly.

But I caught hold of the message and knew I needed to change my ways with money and material things. It stung harder as I watched "The Princess and the Frog" with Lola...and the words "he didn't have everything he wanted...but HE HAD WHAT HE NEEDED, LOVE." And I KNEW I needed to turn my heart back around.

And yet again, cause as I've mentioned subtleties don't really work for me and I need quite a few BIG moments and reminders to really get it, the message sounded so true.

Today is payday. A day I have a love/hate relationship with. I was preparing this morning to begin the daunting task of deciding what bills could be paid, needed to be paid and what bills could be pushed further back.

As I began my morning routine and the fret of the day ahead, I sat down to "put my armour on". I'll normally look up some verses referenced on Sunday or that I found the day before while checking on blogs and websites. But this morning I opened it without any idea where to start.

I remembered reading once that if you are trying to familiarize yourself with the Bible, start at Matthew. So I did. And I jumped into Chapter 6: 25-34 as if it was "meant to be" :D

25 "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink ; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing ?

26 "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

27 "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life ?

28 "And why are you worried about clothing ? Observe how the lilies of the field grow ; they do not toil nor do they spin,

29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.

30 "But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith !

31 "Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will wear for clothing?'

32 "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things ; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

33 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 "So do not worry about tomorrow ; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

All I can say...money and bills and groceries will not be my worry today.

How do you get through life worries...whatever the may be?

Hallows Eve

Halloween.

A great Holiday. For a lot of reasons. It's fun. There are few expectations from family members if the right gift is given or enough gifts are given. It's simply fun.

For some.

For some it's an evil holiday that worships Satan. I don't get it...so I'll leave it at that.

For some it's more than just a holiday. It's something very serious. Like my husband. He'd have the house decorated Halloween style every day if he could. And not just the cutesy pumpkins and cobwebs and screaming door mats...but like SCARY stuff. When we first got married I was literally SHOCKED at some of the stuff this guy had in his storage.

Our first Christmas in our own place, in order to get him to celebrate (the scrooge) I had to decorate our Christmas gear Halloween style. Take reference to this incredible movie. Yes...that was our house. Let's just say a few years later we got a letter from Londyn asking us if we could please keep Christmas and Halloween separate that they were indeed, Separate holidays. Knowing me, I have that letter tucked away somewhere for safe keeping. Or lost in one of the many boxes still hanging out in my garage waiting to be unpacked.

And while I'm very exciting for Halloween this year...as Lola is about the age where she can get more into the festivities and the costumes...I have to say...I just can't get myself into the spirit yet.

My house has minimal fall decorations and zero Halloween yet. I have yet to pull Lola's costume together. (that could be because I'm cheap and waiting for things to hit the clearance section or to find an adorable used or hand-me-down costume from a friend) And not a single bag of candy has found it's way through the front door.

Could I, GASP, be a Halloween Scrooge?

What are you doing with your family and kids to get ready for Hallows Eve?

a little bit of Jesus in my life

That same friend of mine...you know the one I mentioned here...she sort of continued to hold strong to her faith and her belief of how much I needed some God in my life.

She'd send me songs...give thoughts and bible versus that would help me through my day...and she would push me to think of the great picture of life and death.

I finally asked her where she got these songs...she says the radio...and I replied "what in the HELL kind of station are you listening to?!?!"

I can't help but think she's been placed in my life for all the right reasons. Not only does she also have a "special" kid so we can connect on a level that so many parents don't have to (thankfully), but she also seems to speak the words my heart needs to hear so often.

She doesnt' hold back. There is no censor, now that might be cause she's a New Yorker, or because she knows I don't really take subtleties very well.

Have you seen "Bruce Almighty"?? The scene where he is asking God to show him a sign and the truck pulls him front of him with all the Stop signs? Yeah...Just like "bruce"...I wouldn't have caught on, I am sure.

So here I have this friend and she shares this story. About spending time each day with God. And how you can spend all day going about your tasks, driving in your car, being at work or cleaning the house, but how much of that time are listening to or thinking of negative or trashy things?


So I plugged into one of those "what the hell" kind of cheesy radio stations and MAN OH MAN has it made a difference in my thoughts. I'm focused on what matters most in my life...my marriage...my family...my journey to find God.

My heart is in a better place. My mind is in a better place. Everything seems to be fitting together better.

So this...for now...while I continue to make my baby steps to grow my relationship with Christ is my way way of spending some time with God each day.

What do you do to spend some time with God?

learning to be a mom

I'm an edgy Mom. I'll admit it. In fact, I've been called Panicky and Hyperactive. :D While I'm not totally fine with that...I have sort of come to terms with it.

So when things like this morning happen, where my 3 year old tipped a chair over and landed hard on her head, leaving a very large goose egg and some vomiting, I didn't hesitate to make a call and wake up a doctor to find out what to do. Cause sometimes being Panicky gets the job done.

I became a StepMom before I had my own child. That role has its very definitive ups and downs. And I can say it helped prepare me for having my own children. But there is sooooo much it didn't prepare me for. I find, as my stepkids grow older and older, I'm SERIOUSLY lacking in my parenting skills. I have so much to learn.

When my daughter came, I honestly had the disillusion that I had this parenting down. "I've done this before" was often in my thoughts. And then, I found she not only was a new little person with her own personality but she would need a little special care.

Now I'm realizing more and more...each of my kids are different. They carry personalities and traits and character that prevents me from ever using the same tactic on all of them. They each need individual attention and individual approaches. They each have "special needs".

I'm loving this path that I am on. It's never easy but always worth it. And I love watching the kids grow into the Man and Women they will become.

I only hope I can help that growth the way God intended.

What do YOU do to learn more about parenting and help meet each of your kids needs?

Living "Greener" and Frugal

OK...so I'm not feeling super creative today and putting words down when you're not feeling creative will come across forced.

So instead...I'm stealing a post from one of my all time favorite bloggers...you really should check it out...

20 Things you can do Today to Live a Greener, more Frugal Life

What do you do to live a greener, more frugal life?

trying to make the connection

Kindred is home living with us again. As a 13 year old in the 8th grade.

We have had our struggles. He wants the freedom and power that comes with older age but zero responsibility. Does this sound familiar? Thought so cause I'm sure I've just described 99.9999% of all 13 year olds in the world.

And now he's in a new school. Where they have a school uniform. And every kid at the school is a "nerd".

So the struggles continue.

We're all adjusting. Figuring it out as we go. Trying to make the connection.

I had to finally tell him the other day..."I think the reason we are butting heads so much lately is cause your at a tough age. And your learning how to be 13. And I'm learning how to parent a 13 year old. And it's obviously tougher for both of us than we realized."

From that moment on...things have been a bit calmer. The grades and forgetting assignments or just to turn them in and the talking in class continues...but at least we now are on the same plane as we forge ahead in this new world of Teenagehood.

What has worked for you in connecting with your kids?

learning to let go...

Words can not nearly attempt to describe the hardships of the last few months. You'd think after facing near death experiences with Lola...I would be one strong enough to handle anything...and yet...that is the furthest from the truth possible.

I am weak.

At times when I should be strong...should be holding things together...I was falling apart under the surface.

And at my hardest moments...when I was sure there was literally no reason to go on...He stepped in.

I’d like to say I can put them blame on a friend of mine…that she intentionally didn’t listen to me when I told her I’d rather live a sorta pseudo-spiritual life…dabbling in Christianity, dipping my foot in Buddhism, toying with the idea of Universalism and letting God lead me where he would lead me. That she totally rudely ignored me and STILL sent Christ after me. Seriously. RUDE.

And yet I couldn’t deny that everywhere I turned…HE was there!

And I think for a time, till I really figure this all out. I’m still gonna blame her. ;)

For years I’ve personally struggled with who God is in my life. I always knew something was there…but didn’t really have a RELATIONSHIP with Him. It was more like the old friend I would talk to on the phone maybe once a year…or get one of those annoying “Forward” emails and I’d wonder, was that really meant for me?

And yet…deep down I yearned for something stronger. Something bigger. I kept being called out. So I’d look in every direction. Hence the dabbling, dipping and toying.

I made the decision a long time ago to walk away from my childhood religion and don't really regret that. It was a hard decision...and one I have at times contemplated reversing...but only because it's what I am familiar with...it's really the only thing I know.

I've always been a dominant and strong-willed type of gal. And because of that, I made my life more difficult because of this more times than I can count. I tend live on the edge...and I always thought I had control...that it showed my strength.

And yet, here I am...a broken woman...and I've found myself literally on my knees begging for hope, redemption, comfort, healing and motivation to keeping pushing forward.

I'm still learning to let go and let God have the steering wheel. Building that Relationship I have longed for. Not going to be an easy task...but luckily I've got some people who believe in ME and aren't giving up hope on me.

In fact...instead of giving up on me...they sic Christ on me and send me cheesy Christian Rock Videos like this.

I dare you not to cry.

What do YOU do to build your relationship with Christ?

the road we travel

A few crazy weeks...kids here...family here...Boston...seeing old friends...Camp Sunshine in Maine...making new friends...

I'm exhausted. The kind of exhausted that you feel after you just completed a marathon of such good times you couldn't stop to breathe.

After months of comtemplation...I went to my doctor and asked to be put on meds. It's been over 10 years since I've done that.

Life is simply too much for me to handle right now.

Mr. Hippy Doctor (not his real name) was a bit confused why it took me so long and why I was only now coming to him.

Well...we all hit our breaking point and I've hit mine.

So...I get to enjoy the benefits of 1 tiny yellow pill and hope that it doesn't wreak the havoc similar pills did a few years back.

Why am I sharing this...because when it comes down to it...we never know other people's true hardships or how they cope.

having it all together

There was a time in my life...not so very long ago...that I had certain things down to a science. Most were menial and unimportant to outsiders...but to me...they meant I had things together.

I found out last night just how "not together" I have things. It's been a year or more since I've had to pack that bag, the bag that could possibly keep Lola and I clothed and clean and not scary looking for a few days.

But I had to pack that bag last night. Had to make some phone calls to doctors who have given me their pager number, cell number and home number. Had to make the call whether to make the drive or to try to fight it out.

Luckily that decision was made for us. But to pack for it...well...I didn't have it all together. The science of what should go in that bag has left me.

I did, however, pull it together enough to hold in my emotions. When Lola gets sick...I tend to cry...then I get down to business. Not Last night. Business. All Business. I couldn't risk any loose ends.

As we walked out of the ER late in the night, holding my baby in my arms...knowing we were headed home and not to the room that was being prepared up on the 4th floor...I couldn't help but let down some of that business mode. She held onto my neck tight and I held onto her just as tightly.

And today, I'll let down some more, as I feel a bit envious of parents who are able to give their kids tylenol, when a fever hits, and wait things out.

perhaps I was wrong...

Mondays...let's be honest...how badly they go really ISN'T a reflection of the day of the week. In fact, most of my mornings go so poorly I'd rather down a pint of vodka and crawl back into bed than try to push through.

But I'm an adult.

But not a very good adult. In fact I make worse decisions and screw up more than an grown person should be capable of.

Maybe that's why my mornings go so badly. Maybe it's the universe's way of coming back at me and telling me to get my life together.

So...does karma in fact really exist? I'm starting to wonder again. I didn't believe it for a long time. But now...now I'm wondering if really all the shit that is going on my life is in fact, My fault.

Something to think about as I try push through today.

Hiatus

Every now and then I find my life has taken over and I just can't seem to catch up. Hence the large gap in posts. Hence the house looking like we just flew back in on a tornado from Oz. It's just how things go sometimes. And ya know what...I'm just gonna have to be ok with it. (otherwise my therapist just might require I go on meds...so let's just say...I'm ok :)

Life has in fact gotten so busy, I've failed to remember to make the car payment and a credit card payment last month. Just forgot. I've forgotten best friends birthdays. Don't worry they are on my calendar. Written in many places.

I'm ready to take back control of this life I have. Ready to take it by the reigns and show it who's boss.

I've got a house full of creepy stepkids. I had no idea you could watch this many movies in a span of 2 weeks. But they've proven to me that laziness is not easy! And proven to me that if I don't take back control...they'll have this house in a pile of shambles in just a matter of days.

I just came home from my long run of the week. I'm up to 5 miles in 53 minutes. Honestly...I really don't think that's too bad for a girl who will NEVER consider herself a runner. I jogged...I shuffled...I walked...I practically had to drag myself up a hill or two. But I did it. And right now...it's those accomplishments that keep me going.

So...to keep that momentum...I'm going to leave on my stinky sweaty running clothes and go clean the house. Cause something about wearing workout clothes makes ya feel like you're working out.

And I like that.

she just can't help herself

I know everyone thinks their kids are the "cutest" and the "smartest" and the "funniest"...but...my little girl...she just can't help herself.

She is all those things. Simply perfect.

why I do what I do

Today for lunch I'm having a very UN-Rachel Lunch. Supreme pizza and Dr. Pepper.

I'm doing this because -

1. I'm a bit worried about my baby sister and her current living situation in Turkey.

2. There are some people who are in my life that I miss so much it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and squeezing all the life and air out of me.

3. I like the color green and there is green peppers on the pizza.

4. Lola continues to amaze and baffle the medical field.

5. I see the number 1111 at least 2 times a day...and that actually means something serious to me.

6. And...there was leftover pizza and soda from a luncheon here at our office.

bust mostly...

7. Sometimes one just needs to step out of their comfort zone.


Ps...I'd post a picture of said pizza and soda...but they are already gone. Guess I was hungry.

finding the balance

It's been one hell of a week. I'm exhausted but not overwhelmed. Let with a lot of unknowns and questions but not feeling defeated.

It's probably cause I had one of the best weekends of my life last weekend. Full of Sushi, a movie in and ACTUAL theater!, cleaning and purging and shooting guns. Talk about a way to make yourself feel strong and empowered...go shoot something to smithereens!

I'm learning to take some alone time...step away and just be me. And sometimes just being me means cleaning a room that hasn't been cleaned since we moved in (yes...sadly that has happened), or organizing a shelf or scrubbing a bathroom that once again wasn't cleaned on saturday like it was supposed to be. Sometimes it means cooking a banana bread that's aroma floats through the house making things seem all better. And sometimes it's sneaking away with a glass of Pinot Noir and blogging about well...not really sure yet.

As optimistic as I am about some parts of life, other parts have become a nagging daily reminder that things need to change. I saw a friends blog today with the pictures of her recently completed renovation on her house. Let me just tell you, it had me getting pretty envious that they did an entire addition on the house that was started last August and it's taken since May (and STILL not complete) to get my dang kitchen put back.

FRUSTRATING.

But I hear Lola downstairs singing "Once there was a snowman" for the 77th time today and I want to go grow "tall, Tall, TALL" with her...

So off I go to sing a song and then bathe my beauty and relish in the fact that sometimes coasting through an evening is ok.

a fresh start

As some of you have noticed...or perhaps didn't notice...it's been a wee bit since I've posted anything.

New Year's Eve has been a long standing Favorite holiday of mine. It marked changes and rebirth...fun with very little expectations on worldy gifts or commitments. It was about having a good time and looking forward to the future and all that it held.

This year is no different.

This past year has been one that has taken me to the brink of insanity and back, has taught me about love and life and has shown me that sometimes the hard parts of life are when it supposedly has gotten easier.

So...to get things started on the right foot...here are a few things I've been up to this past year that maybe you didn't know about.

Lola has gone since March 13th since her last transfusion...this is HUGE in the world of Diamond Blackfan as so many do not respond to steroids well enough to go long term without transfusions. In fact, Lola's steroid trial took a major downturn the first round since we lowered the dose too quickly...but this second round has got every single person in her world jumping for joy at her response.

Kindred moved back to Kansas to live with his mom, stepdad and brother and sister. My life seemed to fall apart a bit when that happened. He was such a unique part of our home and taught Jason and I daily that was parents...we are total IDIOTS. Time for some parenting classes before he, or any of the other kids decide to spend some time under our roof or Lola grows up.

Work has gotten me insanely bored. I can't stand it and because of the boredom I am often finding myself daydreaming about other life ventures I'd like to take. It also gets me in a bit of trouble as I believe my job can be done my a one handed chimpanzee and therefore have no motivation to try harder. Guess it's time I stop settling for a paycheck and decide what I want to do.

Our kitchen was ruined. You all know that. It was dismantled down to the subfloor...even some of that was lost. We now have a floor in. The walls are fixed. And I am waiting with less and less patience each day for the rest to be installed and for my house to once again feel like a normal families house.

I started going to church on Sundays with Lola. Now before any of your friends and family start thanking God that your prayers were answered or asking what in hell's bells is wrong with me...know that I have not commited nor converted to any specific religion. What I am simply doing is SOMETHING. I'm growing tired of waiting for things to happen so I figure why not get out there and try something, ANYTHING. Lola has done really well. I've been strangely excepted but at a distance. No one has come knocking on my door asking when I'll be getting baptized or if I'd like to start receiving weekly lessons. But they seem nice enough about it all.

The hardest part of the latter part of this year...was that things had settled a bit. The storm had finally calmed and all I could see for a very long time was the chaos that was left behind. Although Lola has only been sick for just under a year and half...it seems like a lifetime. Seems like it's all I have ever known. And now that she is stable...I am at a loss of what to do or how to do it.

So...this year...this TwentyTen is about picking up the pace. Coasting is no longer an option. It's time to make some things happen. I don't believe in resolutions...but I believe in fresh starts and new beginnings.

So TwentyTen - bring it!!!