how much does a housekeeper cost?

I just spent the entire weekend...alone. Jason was gone for work, a very uncommon and untimely situation, but a good sign he was invited. Kindred had decided his friends house was way cooler than ours and spent the entire weekend there.

In years or months past this would have given me the exact thing I have been dying for. A chance to clean and organize and unpack and discover and GET 'ER DONE. This time, it gave me more time than any half-crazed woman should have alone. Not only did I not clean or unpack or organize...I sat numbly watching Lola destroy the house. It didn't even really occur to me that cleaning was something I should have done until my mom asked if she should come down so I wasn't alone. UMM...NO. I freaked as my eyes instantly flashed open and saw the disasture zone created around me.

Oh well...Lola had fun. She tore through more magazines than a coupon clipper. She found every nook and cranny of our newly purchased home. And then when that was done, she felt so sick and achy from her flu shot, all she wanted to do was snuggle and sleep. Naturally I fell right into her trap and there I laid as well.

I did get up at some point and push some piles around to make things look better. I'd love to find the focus to actually put things together. To fix the list of things that need fixed. Or even just have some motivation.

But for now...I'll settle for a cocktail and some good conversation with my newly arrived husband.

what would fall taste like?

I am fighting hard the growing urge to throw caution to the wind and take Lola out into the fall that has me intoxicated. I love fall. Not in a silly, “oh it’s nice but it leads to snow and I hate snow” kind of way…but in the “I want to be outside and never go back inside until spring comes and then I want galoshes and have never had galoshes but I’d much much rather rake leaves and jump in them and wear sweaters and scarves for the rest of my life and drink hot cider on the porch where the chill sets into your skin and I want to snuggle into an afghan crocheted by my grandmother or sister in law and day dream the day away” kind of way.

I want Lola to see fall in Utah. I want to take her to a pumpkin patch and let her crawl over pumpkins and take her picture as she explores the wonders of all that is orange. I want to take her for a drive through the mountains and get out and gather leaves and let her crunch them in her now showing signs of chubbiness hands and then try to shove them in her mouth just to see what Fall tastes like. I want to drag her around the block in her new Red Flyer wagon and watch her face light up and lift to feel the breeze brush past her cheeks. I want to buy her expensive hand knitted sweaters and bundle her up for walks in the park.

I want to share a part of me with her…a love for seasons and color and cool weather designed for snuggling. Mostly...I want Lola to BE better. So next year...she and I can bundle into our sweaters and head out the front door.

my man, some beer and a soccer game

Last Thursday my Mom offered to stay with Lola and Kindred while Jason and I had a date night. And what a date it was!!

We got the chance to go with friends to the very FIRST Real soccer game in the new stadium. Not much than can beat that.

Our first date in a looong while...i'm happy...he can't wait to get inside and find our seats

Apparently it wasn't the seats he wanted to find

Go REAL!!!!

(ps...we did bring two towels home...I had to steal them from that dorky guy on the right side of the picture...you know him...he played soccer in high school and knows EVERYTHING about how a team should play)

Our friends after the game...apparently no one understand the timer situation...and

baby Ireland beat us all to sleepy time.

Just about to head home...what a great night!!!

where we at

It's been a crazy couple of days and I am hoping that we are seeing some answers from the very long weeks we've had.

Lola continues to amaze me with her strength and growth. Now that she knows she can pull herself to standing, or crawl across you as you lay and play with her, or tug on the dog who loyally sits next to her...she hasn't stopped trying. Trying. Doing. Being.

Is it possible that my 13 1/2 month old is my ispiration? A mentor who continually pushes me to be far more than I ever thought I could be.

Many parents have experienced the pain of feeling vulnerable and helpless...actually I think they have all felt that at some point. Whether it's the first time you hold you child and you catch your breath realizing this tiny being depends on you for everything...or when they get their shots and you wish you could do it for them...or as they walk into school for the first time...or a new school...or when they decide it's time to skateboard instead of walk.

Kindred is a constant inspiration to me as well. Lola gets crazy happy when she sees him and I love his ability to draw love and attention from people. He's always been that way. His sense of humor that ages far beyond his years. His ability to hang with any crowd. I love having him around and he has made the last few weeks a joy. Even when Lola was in the hospital he would play and play with her. Making her laugh so hard every adult in the room would stare in wonder.

I can't believe where life has taken us.

the brink

So...today I actually cried to my boss. I babbled something about where my heart is and how I feel I need to be in too many places at once.

I am officially falling over the edge.

time to find the sweaters

We have a window in our room at the head of our bed, that we can see out if we are lying in bed and tilt our heads back or if we roll over to our stomachs and lift our heads. I've spent many nights peering out this very window looking up at the stars, gently silhouetted by the branches and leaves from our backyard tree. This window is the current obsession of one growing 13 month old, who has as well found it exciting to look through and see what is on the other side.

This morning, with a gray hue as the background Jason and I stared in wonder at the first snow of the year. It was dusting our tree and in the dim light of the morning, we could barely see it as it fell.

The soundtrack of our morning was the increasingly adorable chattering of Lola as she awakes and moves around her crib searching for toys Momma left for her. On more than one occasion we've caught her lying in bed, book in hand, turning the pages as talks to herself, as if to be reading the book aloud. I've never seen a baby love books so much and I try to surround her with the thick cardboard kind so she can turn the pages herself...it also saves the others from her love for tearing pages.

Jason and I are working hard on getting the house in order. It helps to have something to keep our mind off not knowing what is wrong with our baby girl. We've got curtains up, and more set to be hung. Our family room is going to be the place in the house we hang out. We have found a couch but need to save for it before we get it, but can't wait to see how much it adds to coziness. We have plans for the bonus room to be an office and guest room...a place to escape the madness. Kindred has posters hung in obvious preteen boy fashion. The process will be slow...we've never had so much room before! Or a reason to buy things that we want to keep forever.

And as I hear Jason making coffee and playing with Lola as she eats. I know that this is Home.

the first of many

I knew it was coming...but had pushed it back so far in my thoughts, that I had pretty much convinced myself it might not happen.

Today Lola's blood count had dropped below the level her doctors had set before she needs a transfusion. Tomorrow at 10 am Lola will be heading back to Primary Childrens where she will be getting her first blood transfusion since being released from the hospital. Based on what the doctors have told us, this will probably be the first of many visits back for transfusion, but something about the FIRST that puts my nerves on edge.

I was told the procedure would take about 4-6 hours as they still have to go at a very slow pace, and if all goe well, she will be able to come home with us. If her heart shows any sign of distress, or if there are any other complications, she will have to stay overnight for monitoring.

It's quite the adventure we are on.

bubble baths and skeletons

In an honest attempt tonite to make us look a bit moved in, kindred and I set to decorating the house with some of the Halloween stuff we have been able to salvage from the garage. If any of you have ever had to move with little to no organization involved with the packing, then an attempt to put it all in the garage so you can "go through it slowly and carefully" and then had to abandon all attempts at unpacking in order to live at hospital...you'll be able to understand. For those of you who are rubbing your head wondering "what is WRONG with these people?!", you apparently understand as well.

In the garage I was able to find one box. It tried to conceal itself behind the plastic christmas tree, box marked "unpack me first, i'm VERY important" and wedding dress...but it's orange and black coloring and huge lettering HALLOWEEN SHIT gave it away. What I found in this box was a poor attempt at decorations. Things I collected over the years but tried not to spend any real money on. Things that because we were moving from California to Utah just after Halloween last year, havent' been unpacked in awhile. What I didn't find was the box that actually was able to conceal itself. In it are what I AM SURE are the expensive, well thought out purchases. Someday I hope to find such a box.

We put up the cardboard skeleton, the jack o' lantern door hanging and more eyeball candles than the haunted house downtown owns. Now if I just had a pumpkin candle I'd be set.

Afterwards Jason and I realized it's been awhile since our last sponge bath attempt with Lola. We conjured up the perfect plan of "I'll hold this and you do this". Lola at this point was beyond tired and was making every attempt to let us know just how long of day she'd had. She'd managed to sit on her Horsey and push herself a few inches with the coaxing of Grandma Lola. She'd managed to eat more fish sticks and ravioli than the German army could handle. And she had listened to enough crap from the Presidential Debate.

We put this silly plastic sleeve, intended to waterproof her IV and allow a safe bathing experience only it's sized for a 350 lb linebacker, on her arm. I used as much medical tape as I thought legally allowed to secure it and we plopped her into the tub. Immediately she remembered just how much fun the bath was and mustered up all her patience and allowed me to wash ever inch of her body, including her hair, without so much as a scream. Jason handed her to me and I bundled her up and almost instinctively buried my face into that little space between your neck and shoulder and inhaled deeply. Whoever invented Baby Shampoo smell...God Bless You.

We all crawled up on the bed and rolled around for a few minutes and I realized just how much better that little peanut must feel. Sorta like a long hot shower after a week long camping trip. I couldn't get enough of her climbing and crawling and gabbering. I combed her hair and put her in clean jammies and gathered her up in my arms to head to bed.

Just before I put her down...she buried her face in that special little spot between my neck and my shoulder, inhaled deeply and smiled.

13 months and going strong

Dear Lola,

Yesterday you turned 13 months old. This is something that has me floored. To think that 13 months ago I had major abdominal surgery and you were born.

It's been an incredible few weeks that have sorta overpowered life. You have taught me that life should never be taken for granted and to take pleasure in the simplest things in life. You've taught me that milestones and reaching other people expectations of you makes for nothing. And you've taught me that strength really does come from within.

The past few days have been such a joy. Watching you rediscover the world and do it on your terms. You are never going to be one who is pushed into doing something you aren't quite ready for and definitely won't be the one to back down when shit hits the fan. I love watching you discover toys and "read" your books. I've never met a baby who is so fanatical about turning the pages on books and gabbering away. Or a baby who loves to sing along to The Beatles as if it was their favorite song.

One might think at 13 months old you would be walking and running and playing. Making friends with the neighbor kids and saving 10% of all your earnings for college. I'm ok with the fact you aren't doing all those things yet. I'm ok with having my baby be a baby for longer. In fact, I had to go through your clothes last night and start to pick out the ones that don't fit and replace with ones that do. It's been umm...FOREVER since I had to do that. It was really hard for me though to put away those tiny little shirts knowing you were getting big on me.

When I pick you up, it's no longer a tiny frail baby I'm picking up...it's a BABY. And so often when I do pick you up, and it hits me how big you are getting, I can't help but put you in what might appear to be a WWF wrestling move kinda hug. I just can't seem to get enough hugs or kisses from you.

And you seem to enjoy them as well...I have to say a wet slobbery open mouth on my face is the sweetest thing I've ever seen.

You changed my life. You put it all into perspective and made me realize that sometimes, I don't have to be going 100 miles an hour. That sometimes it's ok to put the blanket out on the grass and read a book or take a walk around the block in the coolest Radio Flyer wagon to hit the streets.

Love, Your Momma