someday I hope it gets easier

I remember the day, clearer than most memories tucked away, that I got the phone call. I was on the 57 driving to Stephanies for a summer BBQ...I had seen some phone calls come through, but decided not to answer them. But when one came from my uncle and moments later, one came from my brother, I knew something was up.

The pain crushed me...I almost wrecked the truck as I gasped for breath. Jason had to reach over and steer us off the freeway. Immediately I felt like I was somewhere else...drowning...I couldn't catch my breath...something was crushing me.

It didn't make sense. None of it. How can you describe knowing that someday you knew you'd get that phone call...but then finding yourself in total disbelief when it actually happens?

My dad was the kind of man who could walk into a room and walk out ten minutes later knowing the names and life stories of every person in the room. And remember them for the rest of his life. I can't recall the number of times he would ask about a high school friend or girl from my swim team. Or ask me if I remembered so and so...cause he ran into them the other day.
What kills me the most is knowing the time he missed with the kids...and how they still ask about him...knowing he never got to meet Lola...or teach her any dirty jokes. Knowing that my life continues in all its ups and downs, and he's not here to go through it with me.

One of my best friends dad passed away over the weekend. My neighbors Dad passed last week. A mother I have connected with on Carepages lost her father last week.

I've been thrown into a world of grief for their pain and a world of revisiting my own grief.

I want to tell them it will get easier...that the pain will go away. And I guess I wouldn't be lying if I said those things....not completely. It does get easier and some of the pain eventually does go away. But then there are those moments....where that crushing pain comes back and you find yourself gasping for breath...and I doubt those will ever go away completely.

some fun lola videos

These videos were taken of Lola at Thanksgiving...the first is her incredible new ability to put toys IN something!! What a big girl!!!







The second...Lola LOVES her cousin Lucy and misses her very much...we all do!!! love you jj, heather and lucy!!!

Please Join Us!!!

(reposted from Lola's Carepage)

Jason and I spent the weekend processing and looking up as much information as we could about what the doctors have told us about Lola. We hope to hear more information soon to help ease our minds.

We have had so many people...family, friends and complete strangers, pray for Lola. For answers...for healing...for strength. And we know that it is because of those prayers, she continues to grow stronger and we get closer and closer each day to answers. We also know prayers come in many forms...knelt bedside, a glance upward or even just a good thought. We are truly blessed to have the support group we have and hope some day we can pay it all back.

This past Sunday, Jason and I and the kids had the chance to attend a Farewell Service for a young man who is leaving on a church mission. It's been a while since we've been to church, yet I'm pretty sure the speaker knew we were coming and directed the entire service towards us. We both teared up as a man spoke of Jesus healing the sick children and what it would be like to have that in our lives now.

We've been thinking a lot and knowing the hard path that is headed our way...we have decided to organize a Fast in honor of Lola. This coming Sunday, December 21st, anyone who wants to join us is welcome! Don't be scared!! We would love to have anyone who is willing to miss a meal or the entire day's meals or send a good thought Lola's way! Please join us as we lift our voices and pray for a miracle and healing for our Lola.

Thank you again to everyone who has done so much for our family. I have no words to even describe the gratitude I feel for all those who have sacrificed for us and have sent us love and kind words. I could never in a million years have imagined we would be on the journey we are one...and know that when we need it most...we are often carried.

Lola's Momma and Daddy, Rachel and Jason

all the little checks on my to-do list

so...it's without pics...cause of course my mind was in total WORK mode...but last night was a great night for me. I accomplished everything I set out to acclomplish. I would have love to be able to do more...but I set realistic goals and man...did it feel good when my eyes finally allowed themselves to close at 100 am, to know it was done.

In the morning I put in a roast. This is quite the feat in the morning as normally anything other than a numby shower, slapping some eye make-up on and smoothing my ridiculous hair (sorry you inherited that lola!)...there isn't much more I can accomplish. Well...usually a total freak out and yelling. But that doesn't really count. I browned the meat, peeled the potatoes, seasoned, sauteed onions and put on low to simmer all day. Fabulous.

At night...I accomplished another new for me. I have the honor of being invited to my friend Mona's cookie party. The excitement alone of having a friend who invited me to her home where I would be introduced to her other friends was enough for me. But then the fear of what I was going to bring, took over. Now, I can cook. I can make a mean Eggplant Parmesan and Maple Ginger Salmon...but BAKING?! Umm...shit. So Ma Smith helped me locate a fabulous recipe originally prepared by my very own Aunt Janet and away I went. And I must say...I don't think I did half bad. But we'll have to see after tonites festivities.

I also cleaned the kitchen, the house, wrote Christmas cards, updated Lola's page, walked Eris (which by the way was insanely gorgeous! the glowing sky and christmas lights...too much!). I played with Lola, helped Kindred with a project.

It was a good night.

bathroom update

I had decided our bathroom needed to be an obnoxious color...BLUE. But in order to get it the perfect blue without making the room look dark and cramped...I had to paint the ceiling and trim the brightest white possible. Which ended up being very cool cause I got to use my new favorite thing in the world...this Eco-friendly paint. I LOVE IT!!! No smell or toxins being leaked into our house. I can't wait to do the rest of the house with it. The colors are a bit more muted...but that seems to be exactly what I want.

I had to also primer the bathroom walls first...so much fun.






The first color I attempted...it made me want to run screaming...it was HORRIBLE!!! Luckily I only did the ENTIRE bathroom before I spent two days griping about how ugly it was. Home Depot was great, they took my paint and recolored it (for no charge!!!)

This color doesn't look too bad in the pictures, but trust me...it was frightening!

someone is a genius

Ok...so I just got an email that just might be the most genius thing I have ever seen.



As a woman who LOVES my kitchen but loathes the almighty onion...this is simply a delightful invention. Seriously....GOGGLES???!!!

I LOVE IT!!!

need a pick me up?

If you need a pick me up...you gotta check out this video...it's mind boggling ridiculous!

Life is good.

It's been awhile. I thought I had lost my ability to write. My creativity had just up and left. And then I realized I was being too hard on myself and limiting on what I could and could not write about.

So here is my disclaimer...my life is crazy. It is never the same. I'm a contradiction in everything I do. I swear...a lot. I talk about things you aren't supposed to say. I love my family. I love my friends. I love feeling and emotions and I'm done holding in the pain. Which also means I now get to Love again with the depth and intensity that makes me, ME.

Life is here to LIVE. and LIVE we must do.

I've started exploring new parts of my life that have been lying dormant for years. I'll share each of those individually. I'm not taking anything for granted and I am no longer allowing mediocrity to take over my life.

I'm a girl who has been there, done that...and now I am girl with a guy and a couple of kids.

And I love it.

Learning to redo a bathroom

We decided to start work on our house. It needs a lot...so we thought we'd start small...a bathroom...how hard can that be. Here's the beginning of us learning to do what we have no idea how to do.

One would think we would have some idea how to buy paint, patch a hole in the wall...but nope. It's all new to us...and we are doing all this after Lola goes to bed at night. Leaving us with very little time for mistakes. Yet...somehow our weekend project has been drug into almost a month now. But whatever...it's been fun to see the beginning of something and feel the accomplishment at the end of the day as I clean out the paintbrushes.