she just can't help herself

I know everyone thinks their kids are the "cutest" and the "smartest" and the "funniest"...but...my little girl...she just can't help herself.

She is all those things. Simply perfect.

why I do what I do

Today for lunch I'm having a very UN-Rachel Lunch. Supreme pizza and Dr. Pepper.

I'm doing this because -

1. I'm a bit worried about my baby sister and her current living situation in Turkey.

2. There are some people who are in my life that I miss so much it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and squeezing all the life and air out of me.

3. I like the color green and there is green peppers on the pizza.

4. Lola continues to amaze and baffle the medical field.

5. I see the number 1111 at least 2 times a day...and that actually means something serious to me.

6. And...there was leftover pizza and soda from a luncheon here at our office.

bust mostly...

7. Sometimes one just needs to step out of their comfort zone.


Ps...I'd post a picture of said pizza and soda...but they are already gone. Guess I was hungry.

finding the balance

It's been one hell of a week. I'm exhausted but not overwhelmed. Let with a lot of unknowns and questions but not feeling defeated.

It's probably cause I had one of the best weekends of my life last weekend. Full of Sushi, a movie in and ACTUAL theater!, cleaning and purging and shooting guns. Talk about a way to make yourself feel strong and empowered...go shoot something to smithereens!

I'm learning to take some alone time...step away and just be me. And sometimes just being me means cleaning a room that hasn't been cleaned since we moved in (yes...sadly that has happened), or organizing a shelf or scrubbing a bathroom that once again wasn't cleaned on saturday like it was supposed to be. Sometimes it means cooking a banana bread that's aroma floats through the house making things seem all better. And sometimes it's sneaking away with a glass of Pinot Noir and blogging about well...not really sure yet.

As optimistic as I am about some parts of life, other parts have become a nagging daily reminder that things need to change. I saw a friends blog today with the pictures of her recently completed renovation on her house. Let me just tell you, it had me getting pretty envious that they did an entire addition on the house that was started last August and it's taken since May (and STILL not complete) to get my dang kitchen put back.

FRUSTRATING.

But I hear Lola downstairs singing "Once there was a snowman" for the 77th time today and I want to go grow "tall, Tall, TALL" with her...

So off I go to sing a song and then bathe my beauty and relish in the fact that sometimes coasting through an evening is ok.

a fresh start

As some of you have noticed...or perhaps didn't notice...it's been a wee bit since I've posted anything.

New Year's Eve has been a long standing Favorite holiday of mine. It marked changes and rebirth...fun with very little expectations on worldy gifts or commitments. It was about having a good time and looking forward to the future and all that it held.

This year is no different.

This past year has been one that has taken me to the brink of insanity and back, has taught me about love and life and has shown me that sometimes the hard parts of life are when it supposedly has gotten easier.

So...to get things started on the right foot...here are a few things I've been up to this past year that maybe you didn't know about.

Lola has gone since March 13th since her last transfusion...this is HUGE in the world of Diamond Blackfan as so many do not respond to steroids well enough to go long term without transfusions. In fact, Lola's steroid trial took a major downturn the first round since we lowered the dose too quickly...but this second round has got every single person in her world jumping for joy at her response.

Kindred moved back to Kansas to live with his mom, stepdad and brother and sister. My life seemed to fall apart a bit when that happened. He was such a unique part of our home and taught Jason and I daily that was parents...we are total IDIOTS. Time for some parenting classes before he, or any of the other kids decide to spend some time under our roof or Lola grows up.

Work has gotten me insanely bored. I can't stand it and because of the boredom I am often finding myself daydreaming about other life ventures I'd like to take. It also gets me in a bit of trouble as I believe my job can be done my a one handed chimpanzee and therefore have no motivation to try harder. Guess it's time I stop settling for a paycheck and decide what I want to do.

Our kitchen was ruined. You all know that. It was dismantled down to the subfloor...even some of that was lost. We now have a floor in. The walls are fixed. And I am waiting with less and less patience each day for the rest to be installed and for my house to once again feel like a normal families house.

I started going to church on Sundays with Lola. Now before any of your friends and family start thanking God that your prayers were answered or asking what in hell's bells is wrong with me...know that I have not commited nor converted to any specific religion. What I am simply doing is SOMETHING. I'm growing tired of waiting for things to happen so I figure why not get out there and try something, ANYTHING. Lola has done really well. I've been strangely excepted but at a distance. No one has come knocking on my door asking when I'll be getting baptized or if I'd like to start receiving weekly lessons. But they seem nice enough about it all.

The hardest part of the latter part of this year...was that things had settled a bit. The storm had finally calmed and all I could see for a very long time was the chaos that was left behind. Although Lola has only been sick for just under a year and half...it seems like a lifetime. Seems like it's all I have ever known. And now that she is stable...I am at a loss of what to do or how to do it.

So...this year...this TwentyTen is about picking up the pace. Coasting is no longer an option. It's time to make some things happen. I don't believe in resolutions...but I believe in fresh starts and new beginnings.

So TwentyTen - bring it!!!