the church search

A few months back, I got the inkling to start "investigating" different religions and churches.  I have from very solid beliefs, many I obtained through my childhood growing up LDS and many I have gathered through my life experiences.

I started out slowly...attending a Unitarian Church Christmas Choir Concert.  The music...astounding.  The sermon and the message behind it all...different.  I had gathered as much information as I could about the church before going but was still very much in the dark as to what it is they believe and what they stand for.  I left having a far better understanding and feeling like the next time I go to church, I hope to hear something about God.

The next two weeks I thought I'd revisit my childhood.  Jason and I (yes Jason actually went INSIDE a church) attended a coworkers Mission Farewell.  This KID was standing up there bearing his heart and soul of his beliefs and how he was ready to take those beliefs and go and spread the Word.  It was comfortable...and why wouldn't it be?  I'd spent almost 18 years sitting in a room just like this one every sunday.  

The following Sunday was the day we held the fast for Lola.  It was a very very special day for me.  Knowing that people across the country were joining in with us...either through Fasting or Prayer or Meditation or lighting a candle...were joining in to send God a message that we wanted some answers and some Hope.  It also happened to be that a man high up in the ranks of the LDS church was speaking at my parents church.  And so we went (and yup...Jason came too!! Man does he look handsome all dressed up!) and listened to some great speeches about Christmas and what the Holiday season really means.

It took me a few weeks to get back in the swing of things....but I found myself led to the St James Episcopal Church.  I actually attended two sundays in a row.  It was intriguing to me.  Very ritualistic and very much like the Catholic services I used to attend with my father.  So again...it was very comfortable.  I didn't know all the ins and outs and whys and whos...but I was welcomed by a group of people who's backgrounds and beliefs seemed to really match mine.

This past sunday I had the opportunity to be led to attend a Non-denominational Christian Church.  Very much what I would call  "rock bank christian church".  Very irreverent as opposed to the other services I had seen.  There was clapping and dancing and people, honest to God, yelling out AMEN and Alleluia!!!  I was way out of place...until the sermon started and it hit home...and it hit hard.  It spoke of teaching our children about God and how it's our number one job to teach them to have Good Character and good morals and beliefs.  It's our job to help them follow God and His teachings.  I cried...mostly, I think, because I know how much work can be done in our home to help teach our kids the right path and how to be people of Good Character.

Each service has been great for me...in it's own way.  And each Sunday as I decide where I am going to go next...it's exciting to know that my relationship with God is growing.  He knows my heart and knows my intentions.  

It's been a good couple of Sundays.  I'm excited to see where I go next..

25 facts you probably never cared to know about me

I got "tagged" on Facebook a number of times to do this...and held off till last night when Lola finally headed into slumber land. It's a bit jumbled...or I guess random as it's intended to be. Fun to do and I intend to do one every month or so...see what other oddities I can come up with. Feel free to do one of your own and let me know so I can read up on your randoms.

1. Born and bred in the beautiful state of Wyoming.

2. I'm a cryer...it's terrible. The smallest of things will set me off and there is nothing I can do to control it. Worst part, my mother is a cryer too. If I cry, then she starts. Or if she's crying, then I start. Keep us separate when the Michelin baby comes on the tv or suffer the consequences.

3. As a child, when my little brother and I would go visit my dad, we'd have to take the Amtrak across Southern Wyoming. It was a thrill. It taught us independence and at the same time, that it's ok to need your baby brother.

4. Mornings are my worst enemy. I must have suffered some sort of emotional damage after going through years of early morning seminary, early early morning swim practice and a paper route on top of that! Now, it's like waking the dead... luckily Love and I have it worked out... he gets the morning shift with the kids and I get the night shift.

5. Heat puts me into a total panic and I can't gain control of myself. I'd rather be in the freezing cold that have it be the slightest amount of hot.

6. I met Love after spending months stalking him from afar. I'd have friends tell me about him (although I do believe someone had called "dibs" on him, luckily that didn't work out too well), my roommate would call and tell me when he was at her bar having drinks. There were a number of times we experienced close encounters, but never got to meet or hang out, until that one fateful night at The White Owl. "We have the same shoes" is now a common term in our household...but hey...it did the trick and won me over.

7. I learned how to drive a stick shift at the age of probably about 12 in the plains of southern Wyoming. Any time I get behind the wheel of a pickup truck, I can still here my Dad yelling "GET YOUR FOOT OFF MY CLUTCH!!!"

8. This early lesson on driving also had me convinced that some day I would become a famous Nascar driver and race with the best of them. I still find myself pretending that about every time I get on the freeway.

9. After realizing that it's a family trait to have extremely squinty eyes, I convinced my little brother there was something called "the squinty eye curse" and he had to be a certain age to find out what it was about. Years later when that birthday hit, he was begging to find out what it was all about. hahahaha...Jokes on you JJ!!!

10. I am not a fan of chocolate...it doesn't make me happy or feel better...in fact I'd rather avoid it all together. I'll make an exception if said chocolate is accompanied with some nuts or caramel or pretzels or all of the above.

11. I have a P-Touch label maker...and I'm not afraid to use it.

12. Over the years I have developed a slight obsession with how laundry is done, folded and put away. My closet is divided into types of clothing and then color coded. If you want us to remain friends, or in my husbands case, ever get lucky again, you'll leave the laundering to me if you can't do it *right. *right meaning, my way.

13. One of my favorite classes in high school was auto shop. This was the same class I purchases piping and then bent and made a new exhaust system for my rocking 1982 toyota tercel. Needless to say, I can change a tire and change the oil with no problem.

14. I had a major challenge with eating red meat...the kind of challenge that when ingested I would immediately get violently ill. It took some time and effort, but I finally got over it and had the pleasure of ordering my first steak on one of Jason and I's early dates.

15. Pictures make me extremely happy.

16. I grew up going to rodeos and riding horses with my Dad. I learned how to barrel race and wanted to be a real live cowgirl some day. I still dream of owning a horse and riding it over acres and acres of land.

17. Someday Jason and I would like to own acres and acres of land. Although we aren't quite sure how we'd do...we love to entertain the thought of someday living on a farm.

18. To help part of living on a farm come to reality, this spring I will be trying to turn half of our backyard into a full blown garden. My goal is to grow enough to become self-sustaining...produce wise.

19. I never dreamt in the world that I would want to be a stay at home mom...but now it's all I think about.

20. I'm the proud Momma of 4 angels I inherited and 1 angel I gestated.

21. I talk to my Momma almost every single day. If more than a day goes by, one of us ends up calling the other in an almost panic.

22. My life completely changed when I met Jason. I was a confused and complicated girl and he tamed me. We've experienced a lot together...the loss of a brother, a baby, a dad, a grandparent...and more good things than I can count...and through it all we were by each others side. Saturday we celebrate 5 years of marriage...and it's only the beginning.

23. By my choice, our house is cable/satelite/dish free. We have no channels. And I love it.

24. Checking the mail is one of the highlights of my day. I always love to see what surprises are waiting. On the flip side...I've become terrible at mailing items.

25. I'm a bookworm. I can sit and finish a book in one sitting and then start on the next. I can skip sleep (one of the only reasons) to finish a book. I LOVE the library...the smell, the sounds, you name it...I can spend hours wandering through the aisles.

when I grow up...

Someday I'd like to be a real writer.

The kind that can describe the sort

of emotion that pops up when you are

at work and have no ability to be

where you really want to be.

When Love is running the show

and you desperately want to jump

back in the driver seat.

When the baby is hurting and you

want to just be there because the concept

of just being there is something else

that makes you go crazy. Because

someone who should be here...isn't here.

And it hurts...it hurts so bad I can' t breath.

Because not only should I be there, and

he should be here, but life just doesn't

seem right when you are living to make

someone elses dream come true.

Which makes your dream seem further

and further away. And it makes being

where you want to be impossible. And it

means emotions that make you angry

that you were a stupid 20-something

that did stupid 20-something things

that are now preventing you from doing

the things that an almost 30-something mom

wants to be doing...and SHOULD be doing.

So I'm sitting here wishing I could be a writer .

I want to live the life that I dream of. I want to

there and be able to write the emotions and

feelings that come when he isn't here. I want to

push aside the bullshit do all the things that

I know I should be doing and I'll even know

that the person who should be here

and isn't, knows how I feel.

Even from that place where they are.

The new addition...to the kitchen

Some people might think I am totally off my rocker...or if you really know me from way back when, this is nothing new.

But let me share with you...my new obsession. Have I used it yet? NO! Am I dying to use it? YES!! Am I question talking? Only for you Love!

What is it you might ask...well...let me share. It's a Cast Iron Casserole. It's the real deal. I've wanted one since probably right around the same day I got my antique tin cup and everyday after pretended I WAS Laura Ingals Wilder. I knew that for a girl to really make stews/soups/slow cooked meat...you had to have one. And...I GOT ONE.

It wasn't easy. They aren't cheap. And we are buuuhroke. As luck has it, my sister bought us a coffee press, it was busted upon opening, we returned it, they didn't have a replacement, I got store credit, didn't know what to do with it, got online, I found this lovely...ON SALE, and it came only 7 days later...in the mail. I LOVE the internet. And Sales. The kind of serious sales that make you shudder as you realize what you have come across.

Sadly...I can't buy shoes, pants, shirts or unmentionables online (hey...when you are a telephone pole kinda girl with arms far too long to mention what they remind you of and an inseam length to frighten any pants maker...it's what you deal with)...but COOKWARE....BRING IT.

And when a major portion of your "who I want to be in 2009" list involves your kitchen...it's DEFINITLY time to invest.

So tonite...as I sat drooling, soooo beyond ready to use my new beautiful kitchen addition...I stayed the course and instead, I went ahead with the weeks meal plan.

PS...I LOVE a meal plan. My week long schedule of what is on the menu for dinner. It simplifies. It relieves stress. It helps plan. AND...of course it will include my new casserole next week. The REALLY fun part...it's not JUST a casserole (whatever that is) it's a pan/pot/slow cooker...you name it...it will BE it.

Another part of my "who I will be in 2009" includes a Cowboy Meal Every Week. Something serious. Something with Meat. Something that throws caution to the wind. And.....I have to admit....tonite as I cooked I really could see Love (and yes...strangely enough...Jason and I do have this as a dream of ours) coming in from the fields for lunch. Covered in hay/sweat/manure/hardwork and putting the perfect sandwich on the table for him.

And I was aiming to please with THIS. And when you got a man this good-looking at your table...it's not hard to want to impress.

what will be known as...Our first class together.

It was an uncomfortable rush out the door...feeding kids, getting the in-laws settled, dogs managed, beds arranged, clothes changes, makeup done, cars moved...but we made it. And even though the drive was tense from the previous scurry...we walked in the doors of the city middle school exactly 4 minutes ahead of Go time.


Jason and I began our first class of 2009 together last night. I was very nervous...for a lot of reasons. But walking in next to my husband, knowing he had sucked it up and offered to join me with very little hesitation...made me fall even more in love than I could ever have imagined.


We wriggled ourselves into chairs that had desks attached to them...something I immediately settled right into. I always felt comfortable in school. In classes. In learning. I loved filling my head with ideas and facts and knowledge.

The next two hours we laughed and smiled and poked each other. We looked around the room trying to figure everyone else's story and giggled as we realized this was EXACTLY what we needed. We caught glimpses of our lives as they are now and our lives as they could and will be. We realized that our dreams are in fact OUR dreams.

We walked out of that Middle School holding hands...talking...laughing...both looking forward to the next 3 Tuesday Nights that will be OURs.

just waiting for the check to clear

With more assertion (ie...a ferocious shove and evil laughter) than probably needed, I mailed off the last payment to Lola's old pediatrician. The very same one who for months and months and visit after visit, told us there was NOTHING wrong with Lola.

In fact, the very same week she was admitted to Primary Children's, Jason and I had both taken Lola to see him. Had urged him that something was wrong. Had walked away defeated. Had cursed him as we returned to the car, knowing the 2.5 minutes of his time was a waste of ours.

I've held off paying this bill off, making my little tiny dents to it month after month, partially due to the fact I didn't feel he deserved any of our money. And this was my way of "sticking it to the man". Yeah...effective.

So this month...I shook down the couches, scoured under the beds, tore apart the cars and raided our change jar (actually it's an Elvis Guitar) in order to come up with enough to finally be done with him.

And it feels good.

Not quite as good as it might if I actually had the ability to say the things that are floating around my head. But that's one of my main flaws...my entire life, when I've been walked on/stomped/beat up/degraded...I've never been able to actually say what needed to be said. Instead, I'd take it. And then go around pretending to be tough.

But all the same...it felt good to be done with that chapter of the story so we can move forward. Move forward knowing that Lola is in INCREDIBLE hands now with her new peditrician. And look forward to our year of HOPE.

when every second counts

Today I caught up on a blog I read about a baby born without a Left Ventricle in her heart...she's now 10 months old and a total angel...fighting her way through every challenge put in front of her.

The mother was gushing about how her daughter, for the first time EVER, used a bottle. A bottle. For ten months, they have had her hooked up to a feeding machine, sending her much needed nutrients through an IV. For ten months, they have waited for her to be strong enough to be able to suck the liquid from a bottle. For ten months, they have waited for what most mothers see the in the first hour their child enters the world.

I was caught up in this story, as I myself, have been gushing all day over Lola's most recent accomplishment. Last night, my angel, at 16 1/2 months, STOOD FOR AN ENTIRE MINUTE BY HERSELF. (yes...I actually was standing there holding my breath and counting each second to myself)

And when she finally plopped to the ground...she looked up to see Momma and Dada with smiles bigger than the moon...and she smiled back.

My little girl, who four months ago almost left this world to rest with angels, who four months ago couldn't even crawl, who four months ago was so skinny you could count her ribs...STOOD ON HER OWN.

small steps...small accomplishments...HUGE VICTORY!!!

Moving into a new year.

New Years has almost always been a favorite holiday for me. It's one of those times that are simply about good times and good friends. It's not about presents or expectations or money.

It's about a new start. A clean slate. It's about the opportunity to become who you want to be.

I've been taking a mental inventory on what 2008 held for me and my family. And that naturally leads to making plans and coming up with ideas of what 2009 is going to create. Here's what I've come on so far.


What 2008 looked like.


Fell in love with Utah all over again.

Traveled so much I didn't know what time zone I was in half the time.

Colored my hair Pink.

Switched careers.

Stopped traveling.

Struggled with who I was and who I wanted to be.

Fell in love with Utah spring all over again.

Colored my hair Red.

Started growing my love for my kitchen.

Went camping with the kids.

Visited family as much as possible.

Began the quest to live Green.

Started swimming and running.

Lost the baby weight.

Gained more weight than I've ever gained before.

Fell in love with myself.

Subscribed to magazines I've always wanted to have delivered to my house.

Went back to Hair School to finish hours required by the state of utah.

Tried the Raw Food diet.

Bought a house.

Watched my baby almost die.

Watched my baby fight for her life.

Found out what a Blood Disease is.

Made incredible friends and connections with other families with sick babies.

Came to terms with the fact I have sick baby.

Colored my hair Brown.

Began trying one new dish a week.

Painted my first room.

Tried baking.

Learned to walk away from a dirty kitchen so I could play on the floor with the kids.

Felt the love and generosity of people all over the country.

Saw Hope elected into the Presidential Office.



Who I want to be and what I want to do in 2009

Celebrate my Fifth Wedding Anniversary with my Love.

Go on a date with my Love once a month.

Take two classes with my Love.

Volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House.

Organize a 5k to help raise money for Blood Disease Research.

Get Lola's Chromosome Testing done.

Kick this Blood Disease's Ass.

Run/Swim/Jog/Aerobicize/Yoga/Pilates 3 times a week.

Go Blonde.

Turn 30 surrounded by my Love and kids.

Learn how to make homemade Caramel.

Eat vegeterian once a week.

Eat cowgirl food once a week.

Have Kindred help cook once a week.

Purchase a soup tureen.

Purchase a new bed.

Purchase organic/natural/environmentally aware products.

Plant a garden.

Use our garden to be self-sufficient.

Learn to bottle/can.

Build our food storage.

Hold a dinner party.

Paint every room in the house.

Spend 20 minutes a day either reading/skating/drawing/talking/playing with Kindred.

See Coldplay.

Sell the Truck.

Get a car that fits our needs/budget/life better.

Cuddle with my Love on the couch.

Tell my Love what he means to me, in a new way, everyday.

Watch my baby walk.

Read 3 books a month.

Send birthday cards.

Travel for fun.

Finish my Hair School hours for Utah.

Go camping/fishing/hiking/walking/canoeing/backpacking/sledding/snowboarding/snowshoeing once a month

Practice Good Listening.

Become a writer...ie...start my book.

Make church part of my week.

Meditate/pray daily.

Send gifts/cards/emails/phone calls/love just because.

and that's that.

food in our house

We have a house full of Pirates in Training. They are my punks...chicklins...loves.

So in addition to our normal children quota, we are are up to 5. Four above the age of 8. All with little glowing personalities and opinions.

I love having the girls here. Each time I am around them, I get to learn so many new things. Paisley and I got to talk yesterday about falling in love. Londyn has been showing signs of being my new guinea pig for fun foods...she sat flipping through my cooking magazines last night telling me which things look good. And Sydney is figuring out it's ok to not be included in everything...but ok to want to be included. Such beautiful girls. I am a lucky woman to have inherited them.

They also have HIGHLY different appetites and palettes than the men in my life. One doesn't like anything with melted cheese. One doesn't like anything that you offer that she didn't pick out of the fridge herself. And one doesnt' like anything that has added flavor or seasoning. So...that puts me and my overwhelming desire to use my FABULOUS new cookbook in a funny place. No more Lentil Stew with Chickpeas and Tomatoes. No more Falefal. No more White Beans, Diced Tomatoes and Steamed Spinach over Whole Wheat Pasta.

So I'm stumped. I spent the Sunday cooking for Christmas Day Part 2, only to have less than half the dishes I prepared even sampled by these tiny little Pirates. Our menu last night consisted of hot dogs, chili and cheese. Correction...THEIR menu last night...I couldn't bring myself to eat it.

Tonite...I've atleast convinced them to let me make my homemade chicken nuggets...but what has to go with it? Mac n cheese. At least I have found a version I can handle serving them without grinding my teeth too badly.

our winter wonderland

the last few weeks have been incredible. life was a different pace for us. with kindred gone and very few doctors calling to bug us...we sorta settled in and got comfy.

the snow started and it just didn't seem to stop much. we'd shovel. then have to head back out to do it all over again. i didn't mind. i only mind when my ridiculous 2 wheel drive truck manuevers me across incoming traffic.

i would have loved to bundle up lola like the christmas story and stick her in a snowdrift for pictures...too many risks. so instead we'd stare out the window or i'd open the door and put some snow in her hand. she looked at me like i torturing her. she'll learn. when i push her in the snow like i did her dad.