Thursday, July 31, 2008
fun for all
I finally figured out how to open up the comments to anyone...not just blogger account holders. Glory Day!!! Can't wait to see what you have all been thinking but unable to say!!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
11 months
Dear Peanut...
Tomorrow you turn 11 months old. Tonite during our walk I couldn't stop stealing peaks at you observing the world and taking it all in. That's what you do. It's remarkable how intune you are with everything around you and you'll stop at nothing to be constantly involved.
Normally you hate sitting on the grass...a trait I undoubtedly passed on, but tonite you faired the prickly sensation and sat playing with the neighborhood kids for longer than I deemed possible. They took turns running around with Eris, seeing who could get her to run faster, and playing with you. The youngest even shared her Bratz playing cards. You could tell by her hesitation and assistance in showing you how to handle them, that these were a prized possession. You must have caught on to their value and never once engaged in card to mouth contact.
I have spent so many nights worrying and crying over you. Tonite, I am rejoicing. You are becoming quite the little girl and I have enjoyed spending some much needed time with you. We took a trip this past week to Spokane to see family. Your pale skin and room brightening smile were quite the hit. You got to meet family you have never met before and some you may never see again. It was important to me that we go there together. It is important to me that you grow up knowing how much love there is in this family.
There is so much going on in our little lives. We might be moving into our first house. Next week I start school, which sadly will take me away from you, but give you some incredible bonding time with your dad. I worry that by the time Friday comes around you won't even know who I am. And in just one month is your first birthday. I have gone over and over what I should do to celebrate this and have decided to not ask a single person for advice and just go with my gut. I know exactly how I want to celebrate this and I am going to enjoy planning it for you.
I hope you'll be a bit more mobil when that party day comes around. Right now you are pretty picky about when you'll crawl and when you won't. I am getting it from all sides that I don't put you on the ground enough. So forgive me if I seem to be ignoring you for the next bit...I guess it's time you learn to handle things on your own. But don't worry...I'll never be far.
Sweet dreams little peanut. I love you. Forever.
Love, your mommy
Tomorrow you turn 11 months old. Tonite during our walk I couldn't stop stealing peaks at you observing the world and taking it all in. That's what you do. It's remarkable how intune you are with everything around you and you'll stop at nothing to be constantly involved.
Normally you hate sitting on the grass...a trait I undoubtedly passed on, but tonite you faired the prickly sensation and sat playing with the neighborhood kids for longer than I deemed possible. They took turns running around with Eris, seeing who could get her to run faster, and playing with you. The youngest even shared her Bratz playing cards. You could tell by her hesitation and assistance in showing you how to handle them, that these were a prized possession. You must have caught on to their value and never once engaged in card to mouth contact.
I have spent so many nights worrying and crying over you. Tonite, I am rejoicing. You are becoming quite the little girl and I have enjoyed spending some much needed time with you. We took a trip this past week to Spokane to see family. Your pale skin and room brightening smile were quite the hit. You got to meet family you have never met before and some you may never see again. It was important to me that we go there together. It is important to me that you grow up knowing how much love there is in this family.
There is so much going on in our little lives. We might be moving into our first house. Next week I start school, which sadly will take me away from you, but give you some incredible bonding time with your dad. I worry that by the time Friday comes around you won't even know who I am. And in just one month is your first birthday. I have gone over and over what I should do to celebrate this and have decided to not ask a single person for advice and just go with my gut. I know exactly how I want to celebrate this and I am going to enjoy planning it for you.
I hope you'll be a bit more mobil when that party day comes around. Right now you are pretty picky about when you'll crawl and when you won't. I am getting it from all sides that I don't put you on the ground enough. So forgive me if I seem to be ignoring you for the next bit...I guess it's time you learn to handle things on your own. But don't worry...I'll never be far.
Sweet dreams little peanut. I love you. Forever.
Love, your mommy
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
suburbia
Here we are, knee deep in the stress we intentionally created. We found a house...put in an offer and are now, in realtor terms, Under Contract. (knocking on wood in hopes of preventing any jinxing). It's happening. The effect...nausea.
This frighteningly adult decision was sparked by the idea it was time for us to plant our roots and create a stable environment for our kids. Well...semi stable. While this all sounds peachy, my gypsy notions are doing somersaults in my gut.
Luckily, we found a house that not only will fulfill the needs of a family with 77 children and an ewok...but it will also allow us a bit more space and options than we had planned for. For all this, we sacrified location. Our hopes of living in town have been crushed by the temptation of a 2 car garage, 4 bedroom, 3 bath suburbian lifestyle. Hopefully we'll be gettin' a good ol' mini-van before the year is up and perhaps I'll even join the PTA. Although my enjoyment over spiking the Kool-Aid might get me kicked out, but hell, maybe I'll still give it a go.
Hopefully things will all pan out and mid-September there will be a House Warming Party to shame all others.
This frighteningly adult decision was sparked by the idea it was time for us to plant our roots and create a stable environment for our kids. Well...semi stable. While this all sounds peachy, my gypsy notions are doing somersaults in my gut.
Luckily, we found a house that not only will fulfill the needs of a family with 77 children and an ewok...but it will also allow us a bit more space and options than we had planned for. For all this, we sacrified location. Our hopes of living in town have been crushed by the temptation of a 2 car garage, 4 bedroom, 3 bath suburbian lifestyle. Hopefully we'll be gettin' a good ol' mini-van before the year is up and perhaps I'll even join the PTA. Although my enjoyment over spiking the Kool-Aid might get me kicked out, but hell, maybe I'll still give it a go.
Hopefully things will all pan out and mid-September there will be a House Warming Party to shame all others.
two of the men in my life on this 29th day of july
Having had only a day to recoup, I headed to Provo last nite with so much anxiety I think I frightened my step-dad. JJ was packing to leave and I wanted to make sure I was there for as long as I could be. Unfortunately, having taken time off the week prior to go to Spokane, even sneaking out a few minutes early proved difficult.
We arrived to an apartment near empty and people who's nerves were for the worse. We spent a few hours with them...not nearly enough time...but I guess it'll have to work.
Today JJ is in a truck driving towards Colorado and then off to Memphis. It's hard knowing he's gone. My little brother and I have been through a lot.
We had a house in Laramie where the hall ways in the basement were at the most 2 feet wide. As kids, we would somehow wrestle through those halls where more often than not, I would end up beaten and bruised pinned between the two walls. A few short years later we relied heavily on each other as we took the Amtrak from Laramie to Green River to visit our Dad. I believe it was those train trips that really helped us become the good friends we are today. Years later we would taunt and support each other and provide hours of sarcasm and entertainment.
I wonder how hard this move would have been for me if I hadn't myself moved from California to Utah just a few months back. I got the opportunity to spend afternoons running after kids and evenings enjoying good meals with him. I got the opportunity to see my brother has an Adult. As a Husband and as a Father. It's been good.
Today also marks the 2nd Annivesary of my Father's death. Looking back on that day when I got that phone call...it's hard to believe I made it two years. Thinking just of last year how I tried to ignore the day and pretend it didnt' exist. This year...I've come to terms (a bit) with things and find that writing about it actually isn't killing me...as once thought.
Yet...the questions of life plague me. How does a person get over the pain that exists when the lose a parent far earlier than you should. How are you supposed to react when you think of all the words unsaid and all the regrets. How are you supposed to feel good about smiling and laughing when you knew that person was in such pain.
I look at Lola and I get so angry he isn't here to see her. She is such a ridiculous child full of personality (who would have thought) and he would have loved her to pieces. I see such a spark in her that I know he would have enjoyed seeing. Everyone does. She's different than other babies. Nothing calm or casual about her...it's all or nothing. He would have enjoyed seeing her grow...teaching her dirty jokes and bad words. They would share a love for dogs and people. I miss him...and today that sting is just a bit worse. But I know he is looking down and sending his love...daily I see the sign he sends...and I know that today...Love from Heaven will get me through.
We arrived to an apartment near empty and people who's nerves were for the worse. We spent a few hours with them...not nearly enough time...but I guess it'll have to work.
Today JJ is in a truck driving towards Colorado and then off to Memphis. It's hard knowing he's gone. My little brother and I have been through a lot.
We had a house in Laramie where the hall ways in the basement were at the most 2 feet wide. As kids, we would somehow wrestle through those halls where more often than not, I would end up beaten and bruised pinned between the two walls. A few short years later we relied heavily on each other as we took the Amtrak from Laramie to Green River to visit our Dad. I believe it was those train trips that really helped us become the good friends we are today. Years later we would taunt and support each other and provide hours of sarcasm and entertainment.
I wonder how hard this move would have been for me if I hadn't myself moved from California to Utah just a few months back. I got the opportunity to spend afternoons running after kids and evenings enjoying good meals with him. I got the opportunity to see my brother has an Adult. As a Husband and as a Father. It's been good.
Today also marks the 2nd Annivesary of my Father's death. Looking back on that day when I got that phone call...it's hard to believe I made it two years. Thinking just of last year how I tried to ignore the day and pretend it didnt' exist. This year...I've come to terms (a bit) with things and find that writing about it actually isn't killing me...as once thought.
Yet...the questions of life plague me. How does a person get over the pain that exists when the lose a parent far earlier than you should. How are you supposed to react when you think of all the words unsaid and all the regrets. How are you supposed to feel good about smiling and laughing when you knew that person was in such pain.
I look at Lola and I get so angry he isn't here to see her. She is such a ridiculous child full of personality (who would have thought) and he would have loved her to pieces. I see such a spark in her that I know he would have enjoyed seeing. Everyone does. She's different than other babies. Nothing calm or casual about her...it's all or nothing. He would have enjoyed seeing her grow...teaching her dirty jokes and bad words. They would share a love for dogs and people. I miss him...and today that sting is just a bit worse. But I know he is looking down and sending his love...daily I see the sign he sends...and I know that today...Love from Heaven will get me through.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
what's it all mean
I'm here in Spokane. There is a lot going on. Here and at home. It's a lot to process.
First and foremost I have no idea who this baby is that has traveled with me. The Child Who Screams was the Child Who Smiled and Entertained. It was actually an enjoyable flight. Much different than any other flight. Instead of chatting it up with my armrest companion I spent two hours keeping a spider monkey from crawling over the seat into the arms of the man in 14C. She has decided to fall in love with my Cousin Ben. She's attached to him...as am I.
The plan tomorrow...I fully intend to make an appearance at Granny's living quarters and let the Child Who Smiles and Entertains charm her way into the hearts of many a geriatric. And maybe win a few quarters at bingo.
After that...try to work out some of the emotion that has been pushing it's way to the surface. Sleeping in the same bed that held me just two short years ago was comforting. Having Nate and his family hang out for dinner was calming. Getting a goodbye hug that lasted that extra few seconds showed there is more than meets the eye.
First and foremost I have no idea who this baby is that has traveled with me. The Child Who Screams was the Child Who Smiled and Entertained. It was actually an enjoyable flight. Much different than any other flight. Instead of chatting it up with my armrest companion I spent two hours keeping a spider monkey from crawling over the seat into the arms of the man in 14C. She has decided to fall in love with my Cousin Ben. She's attached to him...as am I.
The plan tomorrow...I fully intend to make an appearance at Granny's living quarters and let the Child Who Smiles and Entertains charm her way into the hearts of many a geriatric. And maybe win a few quarters at bingo.
After that...try to work out some of the emotion that has been pushing it's way to the surface. Sleeping in the same bed that held me just two short years ago was comforting. Having Nate and his family hang out for dinner was calming. Getting a goodbye hug that lasted that extra few seconds showed there is more than meets the eye.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
against the wind
Tonite I return to a place that over the years has provided with me some of the best and happiest memories and some of the worst and hardest. I wonder how’ll I do. The two days I have found my eyes fill up with tears at the smallest of small thing. Smells that remind me of two years ago. Remembering there is a box packed ever so carefully of items I couldn’t part with. That song. Stories of babies being born. Smiles from Lola. Knowing that once again, I will be flying without Jason…a repeat of two years ago. Only this time he won’t be following me. I’ll be on my own. Armed only with the Child Who Screams. Luckily she is good at requiring attention and handles my tears with grace.
I am full of excitement. I get to see an Aunt and Uncle who have provided so much love and support. Cousins who I dare expect I won’t recognize. A Granny whom I love dearly. Possibly a brother who I barely know past childhood memories. Lola gets to meet my Granny. I can’t wait. And yet I am scared to death.
Hopefully I’ll find some closure…is that possible in situations like this? Closure seems like something you find when you break up with a high school sweetheart. Not something to be tied to the death of a parent. Maybe it’s peace I am searching for. Or maybe I’m not searching…I have found every emotion possible and have lived them painfully for the last two years.
Lola turns 11 months old next week. It’s so hard to believe that when I see her. She is still so tiny and requires so much attention. Attention very few are unwilling to give her. Her personality has really started to show these past few weeks. She’s just doing this at her own pace and on her timeframe. That’s been hard. Hard to not compare her to other children who beat her by leaps and bounds at various milestones. And yet…I am quite happy knowing I have gotten to keep my baby a BABY for much longer than most.
I look forward to the day when I can pull out the pictures and tell her about her Granddad and about visiting Spokane when she was just a peanut. About telling her about life and love and loss.
I am full of excitement. I get to see an Aunt and Uncle who have provided so much love and support. Cousins who I dare expect I won’t recognize. A Granny whom I love dearly. Possibly a brother who I barely know past childhood memories. Lola gets to meet my Granny. I can’t wait. And yet I am scared to death.
Hopefully I’ll find some closure…is that possible in situations like this? Closure seems like something you find when you break up with a high school sweetheart. Not something to be tied to the death of a parent. Maybe it’s peace I am searching for. Or maybe I’m not searching…I have found every emotion possible and have lived them painfully for the last two years.
Lola turns 11 months old next week. It’s so hard to believe that when I see her. She is still so tiny and requires so much attention. Attention very few are unwilling to give her. Her personality has really started to show these past few weeks. She’s just doing this at her own pace and on her timeframe. That’s been hard. Hard to not compare her to other children who beat her by leaps and bounds at various milestones. And yet…I am quite happy knowing I have gotten to keep my baby a BABY for much longer than most.
I look forward to the day when I can pull out the pictures and tell her about her Granddad and about visiting Spokane when she was just a peanut. About telling her about life and love and loss.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
a moment of weakness
Today, house hunting again. The threat of some major changes in laws that could effect the loan we are preapproved spread some urgency. So I spent my lunch hour driving around looking at houses.
Tomorrow...I have to be packed and head off to Spokane. A vacation with the Screaming Child. A plane ride with just me and her. She's surprised us a few times this past week with her ability to be consoled and be quite enjoyable...hopefully some airport worker will take pity on my and let me ride one of those silly cart things that aim directly at the idiots who fail to hear both the BEEP BEEP sound and the yells of its drivers to MOVE.
I am planning to spend the next three days with my Uncle and Aunt and my Granny. It's the place I was almost exactly 2 years ago for a far less enjoyable retreat. Eery as it is to revisit the place of my Dad's passing...on it's anniversary...this might just be what I need to find some inner peace. I can't seem to grip the actual fact that he's gone. (and yes family, I will do my best to suck it up and part with the pictures you all lent me) I can't seem to even deal with this...so let's change the subject.
When I return...I get to handle some very less stressful things. JJ has decided to abandon the family and move to Memphis. I have tried to tell him it's unexceptable...but he booked the moving truck anyways and I'm sure had some sort of sinister laugh burst out of him as he did it. I'm trying to figure out how to work seeing him before he goes and start night school on Monday. I'm pretty sure I am going to have to push my start date back...yet again...(I'm such an idiot and should have started at the beginning of the summer...but what can ya do)
well...more rants and raves of mine. I'm just feeling the pressures of life and having a hard time handling.
Tomorrow...I have to be packed and head off to Spokane. A vacation with the Screaming Child. A plane ride with just me and her. She's surprised us a few times this past week with her ability to be consoled and be quite enjoyable...hopefully some airport worker will take pity on my and let me ride one of those silly cart things that aim directly at the idiots who fail to hear both the BEEP BEEP sound and the yells of its drivers to MOVE.
I am planning to spend the next three days with my Uncle and Aunt and my Granny. It's the place I was almost exactly 2 years ago for a far less enjoyable retreat. Eery as it is to revisit the place of my Dad's passing...on it's anniversary...this might just be what I need to find some inner peace. I can't seem to grip the actual fact that he's gone. (and yes family, I will do my best to suck it up and part with the pictures you all lent me) I can't seem to even deal with this...so let's change the subject.
When I return...I get to handle some very less stressful things. JJ has decided to abandon the family and move to Memphis. I have tried to tell him it's unexceptable...but he booked the moving truck anyways and I'm sure had some sort of sinister laugh burst out of him as he did it. I'm trying to figure out how to work seeing him before he goes and start night school on Monday. I'm pretty sure I am going to have to push my start date back...yet again...(I'm such an idiot and should have started at the beginning of the summer...but what can ya do)
well...more rants and raves of mine. I'm just feeling the pressures of life and having a hard time handling.
Monday, July 21, 2008
in heaven there is no beer...
In an attempt to revisit our youth, Jason and I began our campaign weeks ago to gather the masses and head to the much loved Flogging Molly show. I've never seen them and we hadn't been out together alone for more than an hour and half sans Screaming Child for, well, ever.
I sent the obligatory text message to every person I know with a pulse in the Salt Lake area in hopes of creating some kind of stir. In the end, Jason, Sam and I filled our belly with PBR and headed into the show. And enough rum to kill a horse...which it tried it's best to do...but never fear, we won that battle. Sorta.
As usual we couldn't get past the first ten feet without someone running up to Sam and screaming, how could you come to town and not call me. I wanted to scream back, do you really want to know the answer to that...I managed to hold my tongue.
A visit to the bar and we found our spot that would be homebase for the night. Once again...friends of Sam showed up and before the bands even started the alcohol had begun taking it's effect. Off I went in search of food. I don't think hot dogs are meant to be consumed that quickly.
Finally the local band (who's lead singer thought he was Elton John) removed themselves from the stage. Mayhem broke out and I couldnt' help but want to be a part of of it. After finding tracking Jason down, we head down the stairs to try to manage our way through the crowd to see how close we could get. This is my hidden talent. I put it on my resume when asked what my talent and abilities are, "fandangle my way through bonecrushing crowds"...usually it helps me get any job I apply for. Before the drunks who let us pass knew what they had done, we were up...IN FRONT of the barricade. I even had the security guard convinced that I should be allowed to bounce along between the barricade and stage. Talent folks. Talent.
Fast forward to the end of the show...pictures with Dennis Casey and his confession of watching me through the show. A man on the list of "men I would like to lick". I refrained...no point in upsetting the husband.
The next day...painful. What is it about a hangover that makes the heat even more unbearable? What a night. Sam ended up in Logan. Jason can't figure out where he got the battle wounds on his legs. I lost my credit card and drivers license...but gained the playlist from my admirer. Ah...the life.
We spent 6 1/2 hours on Sunday driving around with the Screaming Child and Sam and our realtor Kathy looking at houses. Lola must have sensed that mom and dad couldn't handle much, as she was an absolute angel. What a good child, putting up with us putting her in the car, and out, and in, and out. Saw some houses that made my love for a good paint job and hardwood floors just flourish. Saw some houses I could have ran screaming from, but my concern over the effect on Kathy that might have prevented me. Even saw one or two I could see myself cooking and cleaning in. Having friends over and LOVING saying, welcome to our home. And then I saw a few had a jackhammer been in my posession, I could have done wonders.
It's going to take some time, time which is not something I have. I fly to Spokane on Wednesday and the day after I return my nights will be owned by P. Mitchell, Hopefully "the house that is waiting to be found" is open on weekends.
I sent the obligatory text message to every person I know with a pulse in the Salt Lake area in hopes of creating some kind of stir. In the end, Jason, Sam and I filled our belly with PBR and headed into the show. And enough rum to kill a horse...which it tried it's best to do...but never fear, we won that battle. Sorta.
As usual we couldn't get past the first ten feet without someone running up to Sam and screaming, how could you come to town and not call me. I wanted to scream back, do you really want to know the answer to that...I managed to hold my tongue.
A visit to the bar and we found our spot that would be homebase for the night. Once again...friends of Sam showed up and before the bands even started the alcohol had begun taking it's effect. Off I went in search of food. I don't think hot dogs are meant to be consumed that quickly.
Finally the local band (who's lead singer thought he was Elton John) removed themselves from the stage. Mayhem broke out and I couldnt' help but want to be a part of of it. After finding tracking Jason down, we head down the stairs to try to manage our way through the crowd to see how close we could get. This is my hidden talent. I put it on my resume when asked what my talent and abilities are, "fandangle my way through bonecrushing crowds"...usually it helps me get any job I apply for. Before the drunks who let us pass knew what they had done, we were up...IN FRONT of the barricade. I even had the security guard convinced that I should be allowed to bounce along between the barricade and stage. Talent folks. Talent.
Fast forward to the end of the show...pictures with Dennis Casey and his confession of watching me through the show. A man on the list of "men I would like to lick". I refrained...no point in upsetting the husband.
The next day...painful. What is it about a hangover that makes the heat even more unbearable? What a night. Sam ended up in Logan. Jason can't figure out where he got the battle wounds on his legs. I lost my credit card and drivers license...but gained the playlist from my admirer. Ah...the life.
We spent 6 1/2 hours on Sunday driving around with the Screaming Child and Sam and our realtor Kathy looking at houses. Lola must have sensed that mom and dad couldn't handle much, as she was an absolute angel. What a good child, putting up with us putting her in the car, and out, and in, and out. Saw some houses that made my love for a good paint job and hardwood floors just flourish. Saw some houses I could have ran screaming from, but my concern over the effect on Kathy that might have prevented me. Even saw one or two I could see myself cooking and cleaning in. Having friends over and LOVING saying, welcome to our home. And then I saw a few had a jackhammer been in my posession, I could have done wonders.
It's going to take some time, time which is not something I have. I fly to Spokane on Wednesday and the day after I return my nights will be owned by P. Mitchell, Hopefully "the house that is waiting to be found" is open on weekends.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
tweet your heart out
If you haven't noticed, there is a new item on my blog. It's linked to my newest member of the "top ten favorite things to do when I should be doing something else" list.
www.twitter.com
Go to it. Create an account. Find me. Follow me. I'll follow you. Send updates from your phone. Send them from your computer. Basically...buy into this exciting phenomenon because I need some more excitement in my life. You'll see when you get there and see how many people are following me...apparently I need more friends. So let's be friends.
www.twitter.com
Go to it. Create an account. Find me. Follow me. I'll follow you. Send updates from your phone. Send them from your computer. Basically...buy into this exciting phenomenon because I need some more excitement in my life. You'll see when you get there and see how many people are following me...apparently I need more friends. So let's be friends.
the future
A wise friend recently told me not to worry about the bank situation in the US...that it's probably only my retirement and investments that are in danger. If that is all...then hell...I'm sitting on high ground right now.
In an attempt to follow the American Dream and become all we can be, Jason and I are taking steps to drastically change our lives. School, house, new car, a dog companion for our dog. And against what some might presume...this is for the betterment of OUR good...not that of trying to compete with the Jones's. Cause honey, the Jones's are as broke as we are right now! I've learned latey, you have to be willing to take a huge risk in order to make good of things. You have to be willing to lose it all to gain something. And that is what we are doing. Putting it all on the line in hopes that it'll pay off for us in a few years.
Anxiety takes over about every 45 minutes and I assume that the world is going to end based off the fact that someone used the last of the butter and didn't write it on the grocery list. I have a tendency of losing my cool when my daughter shrieks at me for the 77th time before 7 am. I have a tendency of blowing a gasket when our checking account doesn't add up to what I think it should say. I obssess over finding the right house RIGHT NOW cause I am certain that by doing so, I'll will my way into financial security.
As I type, Lola is sitting on my lap watching my fingers roll across the keyboard. It's moments like this, when I catch a glimpse of true happiness, that I realize, the future is very bright.
In an attempt to follow the American Dream and become all we can be, Jason and I are taking steps to drastically change our lives. School, house, new car, a dog companion for our dog. And against what some might presume...this is for the betterment of OUR good...not that of trying to compete with the Jones's. Cause honey, the Jones's are as broke as we are right now! I've learned latey, you have to be willing to take a huge risk in order to make good of things. You have to be willing to lose it all to gain something. And that is what we are doing. Putting it all on the line in hopes that it'll pay off for us in a few years.
Anxiety takes over about every 45 minutes and I assume that the world is going to end based off the fact that someone used the last of the butter and didn't write it on the grocery list. I have a tendency of losing my cool when my daughter shrieks at me for the 77th time before 7 am. I have a tendency of blowing a gasket when our checking account doesn't add up to what I think it should say. I obssess over finding the right house RIGHT NOW cause I am certain that by doing so, I'll will my way into financial security.
As I type, Lola is sitting on my lap watching my fingers roll across the keyboard. It's moments like this, when I catch a glimpse of true happiness, that I realize, the future is very bright.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
heading down the wrong path
Call me crazy...but this whole banks going under thing has me a bit concerned. I have to admit...I frantically thought..."I need to get all my money out of the bank!!" And then a moment passed and giggles took over my body as I realized, I have no money in the bank!
The nation is in an uproar and doing all they can to stay a float. People are losing their houses and life savings in a flash...and yet....yet people are lined up, camping out over nite, waiting for the release of the new fandangled IPhone. We are a sick sick nation.
And as if that wasn't enough...the almighty symbol of Americanism ...the KING of Beers...the beverage that was the vast majority of American adolescents first taste of sin has SOLD OUT. That's right folks...Anheisher Busch sold out this week to a Belgium/Brazilion company. And to put a little salt on that wound...this is a company notorious for lay-offs and shut downs. Never you fear, they promised they wouldn't close any of the 12 Budweiser breweries in the states. Oh yeah...I've heard that one before. Next thing we know Toyota is going to buy out Ford. And then what's next? What would be left for us to sell off?
The demise of a nation has begun and I can see no good in anything that has happened in the last few months. Obama himself has even stooped to pandering for votes from Republicans by getting involved with such issues as abortion and SELLING AN AMERICAN IDOL TO THE BELGIUMS. Not THAT American Idol, don't worry...we'll keep and hold that American Idol safe here in the states.
The nation is in an uproar and doing all they can to stay a float. People are losing their houses and life savings in a flash...and yet....yet people are lined up, camping out over nite, waiting for the release of the new fandangled IPhone. We are a sick sick nation.
And as if that wasn't enough...the almighty symbol of Americanism ...the KING of Beers...the beverage that was the vast majority of American adolescents first taste of sin has SOLD OUT. That's right folks...Anheisher Busch sold out this week to a Belgium/Brazilion company. And to put a little salt on that wound...this is a company notorious for lay-offs and shut downs. Never you fear, they promised they wouldn't close any of the 12 Budweiser breweries in the states. Oh yeah...I've heard that one before. Next thing we know Toyota is going to buy out Ford. And then what's next? What would be left for us to sell off?
The demise of a nation has begun and I can see no good in anything that has happened in the last few months. Obama himself has even stooped to pandering for votes from Republicans by getting involved with such issues as abortion and SELLING AN AMERICAN IDOL TO THE BELGIUMS. Not THAT American Idol, don't worry...we'll keep and hold that American Idol safe here in the states.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
mac n' chee with no chee
Milk. The recipe called for Milk. 1/3 cup milk to be stirred in and then cooled to thicken. Milk. Automatically I walked to the fridge and realized one of the Girls had mentioned they used the last of the milk. Just to make sure, I pushed aside the Economy size can of Coffee and pile of freshly purchased Greens. Nothing.
Here I was on a Saturday night boiling noodles and realizing I was out of milk. Therefore my almost midnite yummy snack was a No-Go. And yet...here I was on a SATURDAY NIGHT while Jason was out having cold frothy beverages with our buddy from New York and I couldn't even go get some milk from the store which is exactly .4 miles down the road.
Her name is Lola. She's quite the show off girl. Sometimes I stick weird things in her hair and a dress for going here and there. She can't merangue. Or do the cha cha. Her name is Lola L-O-L-A...Lola.
An angel slumbers upstairs...completely wiped out from a day of dealing with her mothers issues. In a flash I went from jealousy of paying for over prized watered down utah drinks to knowing that I am here with that baby girl because I WANT to be. Yeah, ok, a small part of me yearns to be out and about and on the town...but in all actuality...me and my cocktail and my noodles with no sauce are more than content here at home looking through magazines full of tempting recipes and articles about the perfect haircut and beating boredom in the bedroom. I've been there, done that. I'm over that life and am happily choosing to be home making lists of piles that need to be cleaned up.
And today, I feel especially good about my life and my decisions because Lola showed a side of her personality I haven't seen before. It was a loving side, not the needy side I usually see, but the kind of side that snuggles up with you on the bed and just lays there smiling at you. The side that smiles at you for fun and not cause you bribed her with cheerios or a game of peek-a-boo. The side that sees you and gives you that look of...thanks for a kick ass day mom.
Today...Lola and I bonded.
Here I was on a Saturday night boiling noodles and realizing I was out of milk. Therefore my almost midnite yummy snack was a No-Go. And yet...here I was on a SATURDAY NIGHT while Jason was out having cold frothy beverages with our buddy from New York and I couldn't even go get some milk from the store which is exactly .4 miles down the road.
Her name is Lola. She's quite the show off girl. Sometimes I stick weird things in her hair and a dress for going here and there. She can't merangue. Or do the cha cha. Her name is Lola L-O-L-A...Lola.
An angel slumbers upstairs...completely wiped out from a day of dealing with her mothers issues. In a flash I went from jealousy of paying for over prized watered down utah drinks to knowing that I am here with that baby girl because I WANT to be. Yeah, ok, a small part of me yearns to be out and about and on the town...but in all actuality...me and my cocktail and my noodles with no sauce are more than content here at home looking through magazines full of tempting recipes and articles about the perfect haircut and beating boredom in the bedroom. I've been there, done that. I'm over that life and am happily choosing to be home making lists of piles that need to be cleaned up.
And today, I feel especially good about my life and my decisions because Lola showed a side of her personality I haven't seen before. It was a loving side, not the needy side I usually see, but the kind of side that snuggles up with you on the bed and just lays there smiling at you. The side that smiles at you for fun and not cause you bribed her with cheerios or a game of peek-a-boo. The side that sees you and gives you that look of...thanks for a kick ass day mom.
Today...Lola and I bonded.
Saturday update
The Girls have been with us for the past two weeks and although it threw a proverbial wrench in my system, it was incredible having them here. Being a insane creature of habit, I almost couldn't handle things being changed up. Dishes were once again in cupboards they didn't belong in, my scissors...oh my...my scissors....they were not in the top drawer like they should be...and this alone caused more than one out burst, dishes were piled in the left sink instead of the right, bedding was left on the floor for more than the night it was used and clothing was left in piles around the house. But...you have to love those little things because now, today, they will not be happening anymore.
My girls left this morning it almost destroyed me. In fact, I had to busy myself by packing up Lola and her weeks worth of goods and head to the Farmers Market. I knew it was gonna be tricky getting in there...but I had to be out of the house. So off I went. And what an experience. I bought some incredible bread and produce and can't wait to cook up my squash on the grill. I found all too many things that are going to fit nicely into the home that is waiting to be found. And I was discovered by a family that recognized me from growing up in Wyoming. What a treat to run into them! I was so taken back by the fact I was recognized, I forgot to ask for their contact information. Good thing for Google! (which in my world is second best website to www.websters.com)
Second on the to-do list was contract my life away for school. Long story short, in order to get my Utah Cosmotology license, I have to go back to school. So I now get to attend a school that I used to teach the owners how to run. Ah...life is so silly. I'm excited as can be. I loved school...it changed me forever. I am not at all one teeny intsy bit ok with missing Lola four out of seven days of the week. But...it must be done. And when I am done, the handsome hubby gets to go...so the sooner the better.
Then...I drove aimlessly around Salt Lake looking for a the house that is waiting to be found. Went to a few open houses, all out of my price range, all wishing they could be mine. And then I employed dear ol' mom to help. Her expertise and keen eye was so wonderful to have and she kept me sane in the moments I began to get frustrated. Imagine ME, frustrated at not finding THE house on the first day.
It was about 8 o'clock when I realized I was not lying in the porch sofa with Lola doing everything I could to avoid the inevitable that was Home. My girls were gone. Jason was still driving back. The only thing that made me head home was knowing that I had just allowed Eris to be tortured with an empty house all day.
So on the way home I deteoured and stopped at Tai Pan. I just wasn't quite ready yet to face the real world.
My girls left this morning it almost destroyed me. In fact, I had to busy myself by packing up Lola and her weeks worth of goods and head to the Farmers Market. I knew it was gonna be tricky getting in there...but I had to be out of the house. So off I went. And what an experience. I bought some incredible bread and produce and can't wait to cook up my squash on the grill. I found all too many things that are going to fit nicely into the home that is waiting to be found. And I was discovered by a family that recognized me from growing up in Wyoming. What a treat to run into them! I was so taken back by the fact I was recognized, I forgot to ask for their contact information. Good thing for Google! (which in my world is second best website to www.websters.com)
Second on the to-do list was contract my life away for school. Long story short, in order to get my Utah Cosmotology license, I have to go back to school. So I now get to attend a school that I used to teach the owners how to run. Ah...life is so silly. I'm excited as can be. I loved school...it changed me forever. I am not at all one teeny intsy bit ok with missing Lola four out of seven days of the week. But...it must be done. And when I am done, the handsome hubby gets to go...so the sooner the better.
Then...I drove aimlessly around Salt Lake looking for a the house that is waiting to be found. Went to a few open houses, all out of my price range, all wishing they could be mine. And then I employed dear ol' mom to help. Her expertise and keen eye was so wonderful to have and she kept me sane in the moments I began to get frustrated. Imagine ME, frustrated at not finding THE house on the first day.
It was about 8 o'clock when I realized I was not lying in the porch sofa with Lola doing everything I could to avoid the inevitable that was Home. My girls were gone. Jason was still driving back. The only thing that made me head home was knowing that I had just allowed Eris to be tortured with an empty house all day.
So on the way home I deteoured and stopped at Tai Pan. I just wasn't quite ready yet to face the real world.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
the fourth of july
While braving the plague, we drove to Lewiston to hang out with Jason's family for the Fourth of July. None of us could help but beg for ride after ride on Steve's new Harley...well...Londyn took her time getting used to the idea of driving fast down the road but was eventually converted to the dark side of motorcycle love.
Pais, Londyn and Grandma Carol played Hoopla until Lola decided to commando roll herself over and pull apart the game pieces. That and her shrieks eventually sent them all packing to get ready for the fireworks.
After the two of us being sick as dogs and relying on the hospitality of others, Lola finally found a time and place to nap. Oddly enough, it was during the fireworks. I still can not understand a girl who will immediately awaken from a coma if I dare enter her room but can sleep through sitting underneath fireworks booming above.
Pais, Londyn and Grandma Carol played Hoopla until Lola decided to commando roll herself over and pull apart the game pieces. That and her shrieks eventually sent them all packing to get ready for the fireworks.
After the two of us being sick as dogs and relying on the hospitality of others, Lola finally found a time and place to nap. Oddly enough, it was during the fireworks. I still can not understand a girl who will immediately awaken from a coma if I dare enter her room but can sleep through sitting underneath fireworks booming above.
The next day the Grandparents decided to further spoil the grandkids and take them to the local roller coaster park...afterwards we all enjoyed a cool dip in the Layne's pool. It became frighteningly obvious how grown up and parental we had become when we decided to skip watching the Cruise on Main Street and hang with the kids in the pool.
Once again....Lola found her nap that had be eluding her all day.
Monday, July 7, 2008
do they make a pill for that?
I have to say I got a bit too giddy over seeing this article...I should probably be taking something due to my obssession with Mr. Webster.
http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/080707/new_dictionary_words.html?.v=1
http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/080707/new_dictionary_words.html?.v=1
Sunday, July 6, 2008
the wild wild west
Our first camping trip as a Willford family took place in a little place in central utah named Fish Lake. One might wonder how it could have taken us so long to venture out into the wild, but then again...if you know us, you know we make the simplest task overwhelming and therefore...camping seemed way out of our league.
To our rescue came my parents...I invited them in hopes of gathering insight and experience. What I experienced, was one of the best camping trips of my life.
We met up with the Girls in a little town called Salina and headed into the wild. Well...as wild as a paved road, reserved campsite and available drinking water can be. I had been fortunate enough to book the last campsite in the lot and worried that meant the spot next to the bathroom...the one everyone walks through during the nite. Instead, we found we had a spot on the outskirts of the lot overlooking the edge of the lake and the marsh it had connected to it. I spent a lot of time scouring the hills and treelines catching glimpses of deer coming down to feed.
To our rescue came my parents...I invited them in hopes of gathering insight and experience. What I experienced, was one of the best camping trips of my life.
We met up with the Girls in a little town called Salina and headed into the wild. Well...as wild as a paved road, reserved campsite and available drinking water can be. I had been fortunate enough to book the last campsite in the lot and worried that meant the spot next to the bathroom...the one everyone walks through during the nite. Instead, we found we had a spot on the outskirts of the lot overlooking the edge of the lake and the marsh it had connected to it. I spent a lot of time scouring the hills and treelines catching glimpses of deer coming down to feed.
Our second day there, my parents fronted the bill for a pontoon boat rental (Thanks!!!) and took us all out for a joy ride. The kids loved it cause the boat was one they could all have a chance driving. We loved it cause as they drove we knew that although our life jackets were tightly secured, they probably wouldn't come in handy that day. Amber and Londyn and Sydney were set on jumping into the water...so the eeked and squeeked their way into the water. Syd made it about two seconds before realizing that was a ridiculous idea and wanted back into the boat. Amber and Londyn maintained that the water "got warmer" and spent some time floating around. I thought, oh...good idea...i'll jump in too. Hypothermia instantly set in and I immediately forgot who I was and where I was...all I knew is that these two crazy chicks floating in the water kept telling me the water is nice and gets warmer the longer you stay in.
During much of our water adventure, our captain had decided it was nap time. Along with his trusty sidekick, they slumbered their way over crashing waves and the hum of the engine. Luckily the sidekick had on this incredible lifejacket that held her head in just the right way. Guaranteed I am picking one of those up next run to target.
Back to Jason...he was such a trooper. Almost as soon as the tent was out of the truck and ready to set up he began having breathing problems. That turned to vertigo, which turned to nausea, which turned to vomiting, which turned into probably one of the worst camping trips for my handsome man. But he stuck it out, hung out by the fire, went on the boat with us and even helped with Lola as us ladies packed the truck.
On our way home, cause that just wasn't enough outdoors for us, we stopped in Bridal Veils Falls. We had tried to go there in March when the girls were out, but the snow prohibited our viewing pleasure. This time was the exact opposite. It was gorgeous and the water felt good. The girls had fun climing up as high as they could before lame parents called them back.
(The reason this post took as long as it did to create, what we thought was altitude sickness was actually the plague. And it quickly infected Lola and I and we were down for the count. Don't worry, modern medicine and ample amounts of pedialite can do wonders for the plague these days.)
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
updates
House...I returned from our trip to the mountains with hopes of my house still being on the market. It was...until yesterday. So there's that. But...it lit a tiny kindling kind of fire under my ass to get moving on this house thing. So...if anyone has any advice on how to get out of a truck or lower that payment...let me know...I think it's the last step needed to feel comfortable about going in on this house thing.
Running...yeah...after I realized my lack of adequate footwear was doing wonders to my knee...I have slowed down substantially. It's frustrating but it's just not in the budget (especially with three extra mouths to feed for the next two weeks) to go buy a good pair of shoes. So...I am gonna do some walking and smaller distances in the running area until I can put down the dough. Sucks a bit...but knowing the high level of my proneness to accidents...I should properly stick to the side of caution.
Lola...She has developed a ridiculous attachment to my arms. I honestly have to sneak around the house if she is with someone else because as soon as she spots me...the shrills begin. It's insane. Today I think I sang "twinkle, twinkle", "old mcdonald" and "london bridges" more times than a human mind should ever have to handle just so I could brush my hair and teeth. This kid...I have to admit...my envy of parents with manageable children or easy babies is growing by leaps and bounds.
Girls...It's been awesome having them here. Paisley is quite the young lady and I am hoping she finds her place in such an akward age. Londyn...her and I battle. I'm strict and she defies authority...and she's a daddy's girl. So we clash...but I am hoping we can bond over some painting this week. Sydney...I'm still in shock of this one...she's grown so much. She definitely has some spunk to her.
Kindred...having a blast at his mom's. Visiting family and getting teeth pulled. Sounds like a hoot.
Me...my levels of anxiety have reached an all time high. Honestly...I really think I'm at a breaking point. I was here once before...started medication and then began months of excrutiating chest pains. After an emergency ultrasound and ekg...we found I was allergic to the medicine...so needless to say I am less than excited at the prospect of going that route...and in the last few months have found there are so many other alternatives. So I am going to the wellness center. I hope they can help...for everyone around me sake.
OH....but I do get to go to spokane in a few weeks to see the granny and family. It's been two years...almost excatly since I was there. That in itself is a bit eery. It'll be the 2 year annivesary since my father passed away. I finally went through his stuff on Memorial Day. Talk about avoidance. I'm excited though...my Granny hasn't met Lola yet...and I can't wait.
As for our camping trip...I need more time to process that. It's been atleast 7 years since I last went camping...and I think I am hooked...again.
Running...yeah...after I realized my lack of adequate footwear was doing wonders to my knee...I have slowed down substantially. It's frustrating but it's just not in the budget (especially with three extra mouths to feed for the next two weeks) to go buy a good pair of shoes. So...I am gonna do some walking and smaller distances in the running area until I can put down the dough. Sucks a bit...but knowing the high level of my proneness to accidents...I should properly stick to the side of caution.
Lola...She has developed a ridiculous attachment to my arms. I honestly have to sneak around the house if she is with someone else because as soon as she spots me...the shrills begin. It's insane. Today I think I sang "twinkle, twinkle", "old mcdonald" and "london bridges" more times than a human mind should ever have to handle just so I could brush my hair and teeth. This kid...I have to admit...my envy of parents with manageable children or easy babies is growing by leaps and bounds.
Girls...It's been awesome having them here. Paisley is quite the young lady and I am hoping she finds her place in such an akward age. Londyn...her and I battle. I'm strict and she defies authority...and she's a daddy's girl. So we clash...but I am hoping we can bond over some painting this week. Sydney...I'm still in shock of this one...she's grown so much. She definitely has some spunk to her.
Kindred...having a blast at his mom's. Visiting family and getting teeth pulled. Sounds like a hoot.
Me...my levels of anxiety have reached an all time high. Honestly...I really think I'm at a breaking point. I was here once before...started medication and then began months of excrutiating chest pains. After an emergency ultrasound and ekg...we found I was allergic to the medicine...so needless to say I am less than excited at the prospect of going that route...and in the last few months have found there are so many other alternatives. So I am going to the wellness center. I hope they can help...for everyone around me sake.
OH....but I do get to go to spokane in a few weeks to see the granny and family. It's been two years...almost excatly since I was there. That in itself is a bit eery. It'll be the 2 year annivesary since my father passed away. I finally went through his stuff on Memorial Day. Talk about avoidance. I'm excited though...my Granny hasn't met Lola yet...and I can't wait.
As for our camping trip...I need more time to process that. It's been atleast 7 years since I last went camping...and I think I am hooked...again.
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