Tonite I return to a place that over the years has provided with me some of the best and happiest memories and some of the worst and hardest. I wonder how’ll I do. The two days I have found my eyes fill up with tears at the smallest of small thing. Smells that remind me of two years ago. Remembering there is a box packed ever so carefully of items I couldn’t part with. That song. Stories of babies being born. Smiles from Lola. Knowing that once again, I will be flying without Jason…a repeat of two years ago. Only this time he won’t be following me. I’ll be on my own. Armed only with the Child Who Screams. Luckily she is good at requiring attention and handles my tears with grace.
I am full of excitement. I get to see an Aunt and Uncle who have provided so much love and support. Cousins who I dare expect I won’t recognize. A Granny whom I love dearly. Possibly a brother who I barely know past childhood memories. Lola gets to meet my Granny. I can’t wait. And yet I am scared to death.
Hopefully I’ll find some closure…is that possible in situations like this? Closure seems like something you find when you break up with a high school sweetheart. Not something to be tied to the death of a parent. Maybe it’s peace I am searching for. Or maybe I’m not searching…I have found every emotion possible and have lived them painfully for the last two years.
Lola turns 11 months old next week. It’s so hard to believe that when I see her. She is still so tiny and requires so much attention. Attention very few are unwilling to give her. Her personality has really started to show these past few weeks. She’s just doing this at her own pace and on her timeframe. That’s been hard. Hard to not compare her to other children who beat her by leaps and bounds at various milestones. And yet…I am quite happy knowing I have gotten to keep my baby a BABY for much longer than most.
I look forward to the day when I can pull out the pictures and tell her about her Granddad and about visiting Spokane when she was just a peanut. About telling her about life and love and loss.
1 comment:
Wow Rachel. There is so much I don't know about you and what you have gone through. I do hope that your time in Washington will be wonderful. I'm sure there is so much going on in that cute little head of yours right now. I have to say, your writing is absolutely incredible. I do enjoy your blog! It gets me thinking about so many things. You are amazing!
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