two of the men in my life on this 29th day of july

Having had only a day to recoup, I headed to Provo last nite with so much anxiety I think I frightened my step-dad. JJ was packing to leave and I wanted to make sure I was there for as long as I could be. Unfortunately, having taken time off the week prior to go to Spokane, even sneaking out a few minutes early proved difficult.

We arrived to an apartment near empty and people who's nerves were for the worse. We spent a few hours with them...not nearly enough time...but I guess it'll have to work.

Today JJ is in a truck driving towards Colorado and then off to Memphis. It's hard knowing he's gone. My little brother and I have been through a lot.

We had a house in Laramie where the hall ways in the basement were at the most 2 feet wide. As kids, we would somehow wrestle through those halls where more often than not, I would end up beaten and bruised pinned between the two walls. A few short years later we relied heavily on each other as we took the Amtrak from Laramie to Green River to visit our Dad. I believe it was those train trips that really helped us become the good friends we are today. Years later we would taunt and support each other and provide hours of sarcasm and entertainment.

I wonder how hard this move would have been for me if I hadn't myself moved from California to Utah just a few months back. I got the opportunity to spend afternoons running after kids and evenings enjoying good meals with him. I got the opportunity to see my brother has an Adult. As a Husband and as a Father. It's been good.

Today also marks the 2nd Annivesary of my Father's death. Looking back on that day when I got that phone call...it's hard to believe I made it two years. Thinking just of last year how I tried to ignore the day and pretend it didnt' exist. This year...I've come to terms (a bit) with things and find that writing about it actually isn't killing me...as once thought.

Yet...the questions of life plague me. How does a person get over the pain that exists when the lose a parent far earlier than you should. How are you supposed to react when you think of all the words unsaid and all the regrets. How are you supposed to feel good about smiling and laughing when you knew that person was in such pain.

I look at Lola and I get so angry he isn't here to see her. She is such a ridiculous child full of personality (who would have thought) and he would have loved her to pieces. I see such a spark in her that I know he would have enjoyed seeing. Everyone does. She's different than other babies. Nothing calm or casual about her...it's all or nothing. He would have enjoyed seeing her grow...teaching her dirty jokes and bad words. They would share a love for dogs and people. I miss him...and today that sting is just a bit worse. But I know he is looking down and sending his love...daily I see the sign he sends...and I know that today...Love from Heaven will get me through.