when I grow up...

Someday I'd like to be a real writer.

The kind that can describe the sort

of emotion that pops up when you are

at work and have no ability to be

where you really want to be.

When Love is running the show

and you desperately want to jump

back in the driver seat.

When the baby is hurting and you

want to just be there because the concept

of just being there is something else

that makes you go crazy. Because

someone who should be here...isn't here.

And it hurts...it hurts so bad I can' t breath.

Because not only should I be there, and

he should be here, but life just doesn't

seem right when you are living to make

someone elses dream come true.

Which makes your dream seem further

and further away. And it makes being

where you want to be impossible. And it

means emotions that make you angry

that you were a stupid 20-something

that did stupid 20-something things

that are now preventing you from doing

the things that an almost 30-something mom

wants to be doing...and SHOULD be doing.

So I'm sitting here wishing I could be a writer .

I want to live the life that I dream of. I want to

there and be able to write the emotions and

feelings that come when he isn't here. I want to

push aside the bullshit do all the things that

I know I should be doing and I'll even know

that the person who should be here

and isn't, knows how I feel.

Even from that place where they are.