learning to let go...

Words can not nearly attempt to describe the hardships of the last few months. You'd think after facing near death experiences with Lola...I would be one strong enough to handle anything...and yet...that is the furthest from the truth possible.

I am weak.

At times when I should be strong...should be holding things together...I was falling apart under the surface.

And at my hardest moments...when I was sure there was literally no reason to go on...He stepped in.

I’d like to say I can put them blame on a friend of mine…that she intentionally didn’t listen to me when I told her I’d rather live a sorta pseudo-spiritual life…dabbling in Christianity, dipping my foot in Buddhism, toying with the idea of Universalism and letting God lead me where he would lead me. That she totally rudely ignored me and STILL sent Christ after me. Seriously. RUDE.

And yet I couldn’t deny that everywhere I turned…HE was there!

And I think for a time, till I really figure this all out. I’m still gonna blame her. ;)

For years I’ve personally struggled with who God is in my life. I always knew something was there…but didn’t really have a RELATIONSHIP with Him. It was more like the old friend I would talk to on the phone maybe once a year…or get one of those annoying “Forward” emails and I’d wonder, was that really meant for me?

And yet…deep down I yearned for something stronger. Something bigger. I kept being called out. So I’d look in every direction. Hence the dabbling, dipping and toying.

I made the decision a long time ago to walk away from my childhood religion and don't really regret that. It was a hard decision...and one I have at times contemplated reversing...but only because it's what I am familiar with...it's really the only thing I know.

I've always been a dominant and strong-willed type of gal. And because of that, I made my life more difficult because of this more times than I can count. I tend live on the edge...and I always thought I had control...that it showed my strength.

And yet, here I am...a broken woman...and I've found myself literally on my knees begging for hope, redemption, comfort, healing and motivation to keeping pushing forward.

I'm still learning to let go and let God have the steering wheel. Building that Relationship I have longed for. Not going to be an easy task...but luckily I've got some people who believe in ME and aren't giving up hope on me.

In fact...instead of giving up on me...they sic Christ on me and send me cheesy Christian Rock Videos like this.

I dare you not to cry.

What do YOU do to build your relationship with Christ?