being at home...and loving it

There was a time that I would be gone for 3 weeks out of a month. Gone for a week, back in town with time to wash clothes, repack, kiss the hubby and catch the next flight to destination unknown.

I enjoyed what I was doing...actually...I LOVED what I was doing. It allowed me to tap into a part of my soul that thrives off teaching and presenting. Connecting with people from all walks and backgrounds and helping them to see what their next step in life was. I would coach people how to run schools and build businesses. I would talk to people about their dreams and help them come to life. I would help them find and implement that necessary balance of work and family and life.

In hindsight...I can see that I had stopped taking care of me and my family. I was so busy coaching others how to find balance...I had forgotten what it was to have it myself. My husband took the brunt of the pain of watching my career aspirations grow. He stood beside me and every time I selfishly lunged out...he would carefully pick up the pieces of the mess I had made and did his best to put it back together. And I suffered. I was living and building someone else's dream while mine went unrecognized. I forgot who I was.

It's been a year now since I stopped traveling. Since my last trip that had me doing for someone else what I should have been doing for me. Work has become, for the very first time in my life, one of the lowest items on my priority list. I am here for the fact of financial necessity and a growing dependency on health insurance. I am here for the paycheck. I am here till I don't have to be anymore.

I am sure some day I'll be dealt the decision of going or staying. Some day I'll have a career again that will inspire me and move me. Some day I'll be offered the opportunity to tally up some frequent flyer miles. Someday I might have a chance to build for someone else again and leave my dreams behind.

And I hope when that time comes...I hope I will be able remember how good it felt to walk down the aisles of Home Depot, hand in hand, chasing a toddler and convincing a pre-teen that it's cool to hang with your parents, as we leisurely spent our Saturday doing what we could to fix up our home.

Or to look out the window at the men of my life, as they do men stuff...sawing and drilling and hammering and joking. And know, that in a few short months, we'll all be out there soaking up the sun and enjoying their labours.

Or to wake up suddenly in the early hours, to recognize the angelic sound of jabbering and giggling coming from the baby's room.

I hope that when that day comes...I'll know that I am doing what I should be...making my own dreams come true.