the fight

I've been trying very hard to keep Lola's CarePage all about positivity and all that I hope will give her and everyone else hope. But I have to be honest...there comes a point where I just feel like breaking down. And since this is the place I rant and rave...here ya go.

I'm exhausted...not so much from the lack of sleep anymore, but more from the fact that I want to know what the hell almost killed my baby. I want to stop feeling like I am being fooled with her insane good mood and willingness to start to try the things she had stopped trying. I hate thinking, was that all a dream, and then seeing her, with her poor arm all bandaged up with the creepiest looking IV kinda thing poking out of her skin, and remembering...this is bad.

I keep being told...you don't know what it is...it could be nothing. And I think we'd all love for it to go that way...so i'll cross my fingers and toes and hope for just that.

A few months back while up in Logan, visiting with friends who had come into town...Jason and I started talking about what our life is like and where it's headed. We had just started to look for a house to buy, I was planning on going back to school...we had so much going on. And I told him...we have to get ready. I've known for a long time that something was going to happen with Lola that was going to test us and push us and almost kill us...something that would make us need to be the strongest couple known. We need to be ready.

Jason brought up that conversation in the hospital. And sure enough...that's where we are. He said...we have become "those people". The ones you look at and think...what would I do if I was in their shoes? The ones people feel bad for and want to do something for...but what honestly can you do more than send balloons and meals and love? Our helplessness is magnified and it's painful to see.

I have to remind myself...we are more than that. We are those people who's daughter is kicking ass and fighting. Fighting harder than most possibly could. She's got some incredible angels who I feel standing next to us as I hold her in my arms and just stare at her in wonder. All the fight and strength from all those who love her, is helping her. I feel bad...that little tiny girl is way tougher than I am. I have to remind myself...she's fighting...she's working to get stronger...I need to do the same.

And I know for a fact...that fight will never leave her beautiful eyes.