the most excruciating sound ever

tonite lola woke up...out of no where. she is a good sleeper...likes to go to bed between 830 and 930...likes to wake up only once in the middle of the nite looking for her bubby...likes to wake for food around 430 or 500.

tonite...tonite was different. Through our trusty monitor I heard her start to squeek and then move and then wail. usually she'll quiet herself and head back to slumber land...not tonite.

tonite she decided she needed some extra TLC. so i went in. I helped cuddle her and love her and help her find her bubby. I leave her in her crib. This is not my time to pick her up...as much as I want to own whatever sorrow she has. I left her to her own after a few minutes and planned to let her cry it out for a bit.

Moments later...Jason heard her. His heart melted in front of my eyes. In about three strides he made it up through the living room, up the stairs and into her room where I then heard him pick her up and begin rocking her. Now...our rocking chair is one of history. My father bought it for my mother when I was born. It's a Rachel legacy. And it's old. Old enough to make that creeking sound every time it goes forward AND backward. I love that chair. I will never be able to leave it behind.

We've thought of refinishing its 70's flower look and making it a bit more updated...making it match Lola's room...but we just have never brought ourselves to do it.

So then...then I hear him talk to her. In that sweet voice of comfort and love and wishful thinking of taking whatever it is that is bad away. I hear him talk to her and my heart melts this time.

I want to run to them both and fix it all.

But i am strong...I sit here and Jason comes down and decides in order to get through the next few minutes of crying, he needs to put on his head phones and play his guitar. and I am stuck her listening to the cries of a baby who so badly wants her mommy.

I never thought this could be so hard. I leave town on Wednesday for almost a week and I have to admit I have been a bit selfish in my Lola time. Leaving her is the hardest thing I have ever done. She needs me. And don't get me wrong...it's not like in that, "i'm a baby and I want my mom" kinda way...it's that..."I KNOW my mom is leaving town and abandoning me" kinda way. It's wretched. Simply wretched. So to torture myself, I sit and listen and make sure I don't run to her every call.

Although...I would have her sleep with me every night if i could.